Disappointment

A few weeks ago, when I was staying at my parents, I got an email from a Christian publisher who was interested in my memoir.  I sat in shock, staring at the computer screen.  I looked at my mom and told her about it, with a goofy grin in my face.  But I kept saying, even if it doesn't work out, at least I know someone likes my writing!

It didn't work out.  The contract had too many issues I couldn't live with, so I had to say no.  I so wanted to say yes, but I had to be wise and not be impulsive.  My memoir was my most important writing, and I didn't want to just publish it without making sure the contract was kosher.

I just never thought anyone would respond to my many emails and snail mails regarding my writing.  Besides my one cat article for a magazine, I had never been paid.  I've been published, but never paid.  

But just because I want to be published doesn't mean that I should jump at the first chance.  They weren't a a bad publishing company, but I guess the timing wasn't right.  I didn't have enough time to renegotiate the contract, and they seemed like they weren't willing to change it.  They were a small and new company so I knew I would never get much, which I was OK with. I'm not in it for the money, but I saw red flags that I couldn't just ignore.

I let my hopes rise, and now I am disappointed.  But my memoir is kind of like my baby.  I have to do it right.  I have to give it a good home, and a fighting chance to make a difference somewhere.  

But it felt pretty good, I felt pretty official as a writer, for three weeks.  It's just hard, when your dreams come true and you have to say no to them.  It's like settling, I have never been one to do anything half-assed, and I am not about to do that with my memoir.

I just try to remember that even when I make bad choices, like when I mixed meds, and I have an accident, God is still watching over me.  He kept me from getting hurt, or hurting anyone else.  I shudder at the thought of what could have happened.  And thank God that He watches over me, as a Shepherd over His flock.