Thursday, February 26, 2015

Why you gotta be so mean?
I just finished two books that helped me with my grief and anxiety.  One was The Grief Recovery Method for Pet Loss.  It gave me concrete steps to take to complete my relationship with Chocolate.  The second is Embracing the Fear.  What it means is to allow the anxiety to happen.  It made sense to me as when I was anxious, I tried to fight it and failed, which made me feel more anxious.  Thus it snowballed to where I would panic.
Before I go on my main topic, I just wanted to share what I have done lately to help.
Lately I have been bothered by meanness on the internet, all of it.  It is so easy to say what we want and act all anonymous about it, not caring who's feelings we hurt.  I saw this during the measles outbreak.  Some of the pro-vac people were rather violent towards the anti-vac people, even telling them they should go to jail or be shot, and calling them names that I won't repeat here.  I don't know why I bothered but I responded to one of those posts, trying to be reasonable and fair to both sides.  Lot good that did. 
I guess lately I am tired of mean people.  I am tired of listening to the voices of long ago telling me what they think I should do or say.  I am tired of the shoulds.  I am tired of people attacking others for having a difference of opinion.  I am tired of people not supporting others when they are at their lowest.  I am tired of living in a world where to be so vastly different from others that I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  Why do I feel the feelings of others?  Why have I allowed others to control me?  No more!  I am not going to care what others think anymore! 
But I can still be respectful and not mean.  I know what it's like to be different from the norm.  But no matter how I try, I will still have a crooked spine.  I will still have bouts of anxiety and depression.  I will still struggle as we live in a fallen world with fallen people, and I am having to deal with them everyday.  But I will not resort to meanness. 
I edited this posting because I realized I was venting and basically TMI (too much info).  I am supposed to get my period this weekend and all hell kind of breaks loose when it is about to pounce.  I am sorry if anyone read this post before I edited it.  I have been angry and bitter for some time in general and I just need to let it go.  Anger doesn't help me, and it doesn't hurt them.  All it seems to do is make me miserable.

I hate having my periods and it's effect on me.  I become more anxious and depressed, the world is doomed, and I just want to trample on everyone like a dinosaur.  I become more unpleasant to live with, even to the point of disgusting myself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I hope that I am a good person and that I don't hurt people.  But who knows if they don't tell me.  I can't read minds.  But then I don't tell them either.  I don't like confrontation.  It never seems to work out well.  At least in my case.  Oh, well, I just like to come home, watch my favorite TV shows, play Covet Fashion on my smartphone, and curl up in my warm and cozy bed. 
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Monday, February 16, 2015


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When I saw this posting on my aol page last night, I cried.  I cried because not only is ISIS killing and advertising their unholy and barbaric actions for all the world to see, these were Christian men from Egypt.  They are Coptic Christians, one of the oldest Christian churches, and the largest in the Middle East.  There is a long history there. 

I find it ironic the quote from the video, how ISIS calls the Egyptian church hostile.  If the actions weren't so horrible one would have to laugh, they are so blinded by lies. 

When President Obama compared the Crusades to what is happening now, I was so angry!  I think I even yelled out loud.  I had to think of a logical rhetoric to dispute this ridiculous claim.  And here it is:

Over history, Jews and Christians have been killed and persecuted in the name of Allah, ever since the start of their existence.   But Muslims, no, the only mass killings of them were during the Crusades, which was just 300 years.  True there was the Reconquista, but the Jews were also persecuted and killed, so that doesn't count.

Jews have been murdered since the Exodus.  And it never seems to stop.  Throughout all the empires through history that invaded Israel, their persecution never ended, including the last mass extermination, the Holocaust, which killed 6 million Jews.

Not only that , during the Crusades, the people not only killed, Muslims, but also Jews, and even Christians in their zeal to take back Jerusalem.

The point is I am trying to make is that instead fighting amongst ourselves as to what religion is right, either Protestant, Catholic, or some other branch of Christianity, instead of fighting amongst political circles, whether Republican or Democrat, Socialist or Capitalist, we need to stand together and stop this evil.

We can either pretend that these are really good people who have fallen on good times and let's try to understand them and be diplomatic, let's stop being na├»ve and weak, and stand with our fellow persecuted victims, the Jews.  Let's stand with Jews and Christians  from around the world and let them know they are not alone.  Let them know that even though our government seems either unwilling or unable to fight, that we will.  We will not give up.  We will not give in.  We will stand for what is right, for right makes might, NOT might makes right. 

I surely do not want a Sharia world.  I don't want our children to grow up in a world where they cannot experience the freedoms that we experience now.  I want my niece to grow up believing what she wants, saying what she wants. I want her to be able to live her dream, and be the beautiful young lady that she is.  I want her to be able to drive and wear her head bare and her hair long and free. 

Maybe we won't win.  But we surely will lose if we don't unite and fight!

I usually don't like to get political on my blogs.  But the picture above shook me into action. I just can't stand by anymore and try to keep the peace and hope I don't offend anybody. Heck, I probably offended people anyways with the last two blogs about mental illness!  So I guess I will go whole hog and stop going half-assed. 

I am proud to be an American.  I love to see the big flag at Perkins everyday flying free.  I love the Constitution.  I don't ever, ever want our forefathers or our soldiers to have sacrificed their everything in vain.  We owe it to them to do whatever we can to save this great nation, the greatest nation on God's green earth.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Mental Illness #2

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I thank those of you who have supported me through this time, and those of you who have positively commented on my blog.  I find out who truly loves and supports me when I am honest and real about what I am thinking and feeling.  It is not easy.  I feel alone sometimes, not really sure where I fit in, what I am supposed to believe, what I am supposed to do.  I guess I just felt like letting it go and just thinking what I am thinking and feeling what I am feeling.  I am tired of pretending that everything is hunky-dory when it is not.  I am tired of listening to those voices that want to judge me and condemn me because they obviously don't know what it is like to be me.   I don't really expect people to know what it is like to be me.  I don't know what it's like to be them.  But I do know that nevertheless, I need love and support.  Too long I have listened to the legalistic voices that condemn me.  I have always had an overly strong guilty conscience, and I am extremely sensitive to legalism, as I have been hurt by it before, and it still has a power over me when I feel weak and less than perfect.  I feel a constant sense of disappointment in myself, like whatever I do is never enough.  It is a hell that I don't wish on anyone, well, maybe the terrorists!

Above is a list of famous people who had mental illness.  It says that they enrich our lives. I don't know about that but I do appreciate the contributions that Lincoln, Churchill, Michelangelo, Van Gogh, and more have made.  I don't know how they did it if they struggled so.  It also kind of makes me feel even less enriching as I haven't done anything spectacular as them.  But as I have told others, most of us are regular folks with regular lives that maybe never get known to the world but are greatly appreciated by the ones around us.

I do appreciate the mental illness group that I go to through nami.  It helps to be reminded that I am not alone, that others struggle as I do.  It's kind of depressing as I see others who are suffering and I feel for them. But it helps to be heard.  Like Judge Judy says, "you have two ears and one mouth!"  Such a wise woman.  But I wouldn't want to be in her court.  I would be scared out of my pants. 

Well, I guess that's it today.  I hope I remembered everything that I wanted to say.  I do so appreciate those of you who read my postings and tell me how much you liked them.  A writer needs constant affirmations I think.  We toil in anonymity, hoping against all hope that maybe someday, somewhere, our books would be on a shelf. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Mental Illness

I don't want to minimize the trauma of cancer, but to state a point that many of us with mental illness struggle with.  We are blamed for our problems.  We are expected to just get over it or trust God or have more faith.  I wish it could be that easy.  But it's not.  Sometimes mental illness is a hell on earth that cannot be described, much less cured.  There is no cure for mental illness.  There is no point where one says I will never be depressed, anxious, schizophrenic again.  Like diabetes, it is something one learns to live with and hopefully with the right medication and/or other therapies, life can be good, fulfilling, and rewarding.

I haven't posted for two weeks because I had a nervous breakdown of sorts.  Two weeks ago I impulsively adopted a cat, thinking I was ready.  After four days I realized I was not.  I lost sleep and my anxious thoughts ran away with me.  I brought it back to the humane society.  I then decided I needed a break from volunteering there, and put off fostering for a while.  Every time I came to volunteer I cried when I visited the kitties, missing my own and wishing I could take one home.  But for some reason I just couldn't emotionally handle it.

I realized I needed help, again.  Every few years or so I have a point where I need to change medications, or worse yet, I have a mental breakdown where I need therapy of some sort as well.  All my grief that I have experienced the last 15 years flooded back to me.  Losing my favorite job due to a lay off, losing my career due to physical limitations and inability to cope, losing my grandparents, losing any hope of dating and marriage, and finally, losing my all-in-one best friend, baby, roomie, and pet.

When Chocolate died I was prepared to adopt again.  So when I was not able to, I was reminded of all the things I lost over the last 15 years.  I realized I needed to grieve.  And I needed to talk to a counselor again, and change medications.

I found a counselor I liked at Pathways Psychological Services, a Christian counseling service, and they referred me to a new psychiatrist. I like both, as the counselor listens to me and affirms my grief, and the psychiatrist asks good questions and explains things very well.   I also found a helpful support group through National Alliance on Mental Illness.  I also found a great pet support website that also had a book to buy, which I read.   I cried a lot while reading it but it helped to finally let those tears fall. 

I know there will be those who think it is bad to be on psychotropic medication.  I'd like to tell those people to walk a mile in my shoes and see what they think after that.  I am tired of judgment.  I am tired of narrow-minded people who can easily say get over it or snap out of it.  Christians get mental illness too, and it is not always demonic!  It is  a real disease and I am tired of the stigma.  People with mental illness, like any illness or disease, need support, not judgment.  I need that too.