Monday, November 13, 2017


On Veteran's Day, I adopted Bella from PetSmart/Angel of Hope.  She is 7 years old, and a sweetheart.  All she seems to want is attention, and to be scratched and petted.  She doesn't bother me in my sleep, when I eat, or when I am busy.  She loves the couch and the rug in the living room, where she likes to roll and around on her back.  She doesn't play with the few toys I got her, but, I just got the minimal what I needed until I could figure out what else she wanted.  She sleeps a lot, but she just came here from Georgia, and has a wound on her right ear, so who knows what she has been through.  I guess when I first saw her and her wound, I thought, she needs me.  Then I thought, I need her.  She has been a great comfort for me.  It's like I ordered the best cat ever.  

I am truly thankful to God for Bella.  It was three years ago when I tried to adopt, too soon, I guess, after Chocolate.  Now I have a job, which I thought I'd never have again, and a cat, of which I feared I would never have again.  I am thankful to God for both.  Maybe I just needed time re: the loss of Chocolate.  And maybe I just needed to find something that I liked and was good at, re: the job.  I still worry about the job, for worry that I won't do a good job or that people will not like me.  But I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, get help for myself, of which I am, and just be thankful.  

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

I'm Not Normal

I have been struggling with my new job. I started it last month, working 10 hours a week, with about 3 extra hours of planning time.  Now with my co-worker having her baby, I am filling in her 10 hours, no planning time, her and my  boss decided she could plan and send to me.  I am also having to do a training starting in a few weeks that will last to the summer.  I also feel like I am disappointing the lead teacher I am working with.  I think she hoped I could help her, but I feel like I can only do my job and nothing else.  I have had bouts of insomnia and IBS.  At least the sleeping pills I got from my psychiatrist are helping.  I don't know if I am going through perimenopause or what.  I also wonder sometimes if I have Asperger syndrome or ADD, as I can't multitask, remember things, or manage my  time well. I usually don't like to talk about this as people usually just try to give me more work to do to "solve" my problems.  I have been able to manage my IBS, but it is worse lately, I suppose due to stress.  I have always struggled with insomnia, the pills help, but I don't want to be dependent on them.  I have figured out what I can eat and cannot eat to lesson the IBS, I am on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety for my anxiety and depression, which usually helps.  And I am on birth control pills to lesson and regulate my periods, as they were so heavy I was so dizzy and weak, and had terrible cramps.  I have tried homeopathic remedies, but they have  not helped.  I get tired of having to defend myself, my diet, my lifestyle, etc.  Yes, I get up late and go to bed late.  I am not a morning person.  And yes, 10 hours doesn't seem like much, and it isn't, but add 10 more and all the other stuff that goes with it, and I get pooped, physically, and emotionally.  So I am very thankful that the teacher who had her baby was willing to help me out.  I hope she can continue to do so.  I get so sweaty at work. I do know I can't do high impact exercise as it makes my heart rate too fast. I learned this in college.  I assume it is because I have a heart murmur.  Also, since I can't breathe through my nose, and one of my lungs has less capacity due to scoliosis, I can't breathe as deeply either. 

I sometimes forget I am not normal, and I want to be normal.  I don't want to be a burden on my parents.  They have been through so much already.  I don't know if what I am feeling is PMS or what.  I just know I want to be happy and at peace again.  I am sorry for such a depressing post, but I needed to vent.  Thank you.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Stop the Insanity!

Last week was hell for me.  I had insomnia, an IBS attack, and hot flashes due to perimenopause.  I felt like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I was so anxious and depressed, I lost all desire for my job.  Which was weird as I love my job.  But I was anxious about some things, and my work schedule was not its usual schedule.  It just seemed like the Bermuda Triangle to trap my mind in a helpless, hellish state.  This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, wow.  And there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to live through it.  No pill, no prayer, no meditation on Scripture can stop it.  I just have to live through it.  It is hard to be patient though, and I freak out at times, making rash decisions and feeling like a failure.

I struggle with this as in some Christian circles, they don't believe in psychotropic medications, or don't believe that Christians can have mental illnesses.  It's almost like the Scientology way of thinking.  But I am living proof, and many others, that meds can help, therapy can help, and Christians can have mental illness!  I have always had these episodes, which usually only happen once a year, but I am thankful I have my parents to help me through it, and that I don't have to be institutionalized for it.  Not that I don't believe that institutions can help, they can.  But if you have a family or friends to help you through it, and a safe place to do so, so much the better.  

Some people might think that I am being blasphemous for saying that no amount of prayer or scripture can help me.  I'd like to tell them to walk in my shoes.  Then they will see that I am not lying, nor am I rebelling against God.  I am just human.  I am like Paul who asked God to heal him of some weakness, but God instead allowed it to continue, saying that His power is revealed in our weaknesses.  I think that is what happens sometimes.  I know I forget how much I need God, and I start to feel prideful and judgmental, thinking, yay, no more problems!  And bam, there they come like a hurricane.  And like hurricanes, you have to live through them.  And after a while, life gets better, life gets more normal.  The hurricane doesn't kill me, but reminds me of my immortality, and reminds me of God's love, and that His love is fierce.  

Monday, October 16, 2017

Bad Stadium

My mom had knee surgery 2 weeks ago.  Even so, she did not want to miss the match up between the MN Vikings and the Green Bay Packers.  My mom and my sister have had MN season tickets for years, so they have great seats near the front at the end zone.  But there is only one handicap area near the top, and near outside doors that for some inexplicable reason were left open yesterday.  You can use the handicap seats for a game at a time for a temporary disability, so they did, not knowing what they were really like.

The MN Vikings website said that they were ADA compliant.  I wonder if any of the people who designed this stadium or supposedly ensured that it was ADA compliant had ever had to use these handicap seats.  Not only wads there no elevator, but apparently there were no working handicap doors.  At least in the Metrodome, one could use an elevator if they needed to as to avoid the long flight of stairs.  Now there is none.  I guess they figure that if you want close seats, that is the price you have to pay, to climb all those stairs.  I remember the stairs at the Metrodome.  By the time I got to the top, I was panting.  And the security kept trying to get me to move out of the way.  I just glared at them.  They could arrest me for trying to live.  I wondered about this new stadium, why there is no elevator.  Don't they have to have a freight elevator to transport thing up and down?  Herberger's even let me use their freight elevator when their elevator was down and I am afraid to use escalators.

I suppose some might complain, well, at least they have seats.  So what?  So elderly and disabled people have to accept less than what they want?  Do the powers that be figure that oh well, they already have a disability, what difference does it make if they are cold?

It's like when I was a student about 12 years ago at the U of MN.  They had handicap access doors, but they were where people were allowed to smoke.  And sometimes the elevators didn't work.  I suppose the U figured oh well, they already have a disability, so what if they also get lung cancer from second hand smoke?  Right after I finished my program there, did they finally work on those problems.  

I guess I get disgusted when the elderly and disabled are ignored.   We are in such a PC culture nowadays that every one is demanding their rights.  What about our rights?  We don't have a celebrity voice.  We are not cool, and are rather representative of something that most people don't want to think about, having to get old, or having a disability.  I don't say this for myself, as I am relatively able bodied.  But I see what is happening around me, and what is happening to my parents as they get older, and it makes me sad.  

Monday, October 9, 2017

I am 50

Tomorrow I will be 50.  It seems unreal that I have lived that long.  When I was a child, 50 seemed so old.  But now that I am almost there, it really doesn't.  I still feel like a kid sometimes, maybe because I have none of my own.  But it's good to feel young, even though my body tells me everyday that I am getting older.

Here are some things I learned in my 50 years of existence:
Life is too short to get upset about the little things.
Friendships are worth more than politics.  
Being a parent is an awesome responsibility.  One not to be taken lightly.
Marriage will not change your spouse for the better, but will double your problems.
People are not perfect, don't expect them to be.
I am not perfect, don't expect me to be.
I wouldn't be able to survive this life without Jesus in it.
Life is hard.
Everyone has problems.
True love doesn't try to change a person.
What is inside is way more important than what is on the outside.
One can always tell cosmetic surgery or toupees to try to look younger.
It's OK to play with Barbies!
Animals are lot easier to have reciprocal relationships with than people.
God is the best One to have a relationship.  I can always count on Him.
Good parents teach their children right from wrong, and set limits.  Kids need that.
Marriage is a mutual sacrifice. 
Relation is not what makes a family.  Love is.
School prepares you for nothing.  Life does.
This is the only life you have.  Don't waste it wanting something you will never get.
Stand up for yourself.  No one else will.
Don't wait for help.  Get it.
Money does not buy happiness.
Beautiful people also have problems.
All the degrees in the world will not make you smarter.
It's OK to be weird.  It's better than being boring.
Life is beautiful.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Las Vegas

When I turned on the TV at 11 as I ate my lunch, I was shocked to find out that over 50 people had died and over 500 were wounded from this heinous shooting in Las Vegas last night.  The shooter was like a sniper, shooting from a window from his hotel room, at a group of people watching a country music performer sing.  He planned it days in advance, building up his pile of weapons and ammunition as he came and went to and from the hotel.

It amazed me at how calculating and methodical this criminal was.  They still don't know the motive, only how he managed to do it.  Unless he leaves something behind on social media or a last will and testament, we may never know.

For sure people will have spiritual explanations as to why this happened.  But that doesn't satisfy me.  I know people are capable of evil choices that can be influenced by evil forces in the world.  But people are still accountable to their actions.  We still make choices and we must take responsibilities for them.  Apparently, the killer's father was a criminal and diagnosed with mental illness. Even if the shooter had a supposed mental illness, that is no excuse.  Lots of people are mentally ill.  They don't kill people.  

So as I said, there is no excuse.  Yes, there does seem to need to me more gun control, as this criminal had a long-range gun.  It seems to stop these attacks from getting worse, or from lessening the impact, we need to be proactive and reactive.  There obviously needs to be stronger security in Las Vegas in general anyways.  In any large and populated tourist area there needs to be security.  When we went to Disneyworld, our bags were always checked, we always had to check our wristbands, which had all our personal info on them, and we had to scan our finger.  I had never seen so much security in all my travels.  But that was OK with me.  I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I don't believe in full gun control, but I do think the general public does not need such powerful weapons that can kill multiple people at a time.  But of course, there are other ways to kill people, with homemade bombs, chemical attacks, even a vehicle.  9-11 was caused by planes and tons of gas.  No weapons there, yet almost 3,000 people died.  The conclusion is that people kill people. 

I'd like to say we can prevent and stop this.  We can to some extent, but then again, there is only so much a human can do.  But as a I heard on KTIS radio today, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 

We can pray, turn to God, read His Word.  We can say something if we see something.  We can stay aware and be ready to defend the defenseless.  We must be united as Americans, and work together to stop the stem of violent attacks.  For 30 years ago as a child, these things never happened.  Now they happen far too often.  

Monday, September 25, 2017


My mom and I went to Disney world last week to celebrate my impending 50th Birthday (Yikes!), and for me, a celebration of getting a "real" job!  This was my 3rd time there, my mom's 4th time, so we stuck with things we liked and new things to check out.  It was so hot and humid, I think even more so compared to when we went 31 years ago in July.  It sapped us all our strength.  All I can say is thank goodness for air conditioning!  

These pictures are from the Magic Kingdom nighttime show, where they projected scenes from Disney movies, played music from them, and coordinated the fireworks with it all.  It was amazing.  I was in awe.  As Sheldon says in "The Big Bang Theory," it was pure Disney magic.  

I am always impressed by the Disney parks as the people who work there, for the most part, are friendly and cheerful.  I don't know how they do it in the heat, humidity, screaming kids, and demanding parents.  I think I would commit hari-kari pretty quickly.  And they always do a good job.  They are always committed to safety, reminding parents non-stop about their kids.  When I saw a lost little girl, 4 Disney workers came to her aid and helped her find her family.  I saw lots of adults and children with disabilities, and I am always pleased at how well Disney treats them.  Even though I was stared at right and left all over the place, they are usually little children who don't know any better and whose parents didn't teach them any manners.

I am always impressed how Disney is innovating constantly.  They never sit on their laurels, but continuously are updating, without destroying beloved entertainments.  I still love the Pirates of the Caribbean and It's a Small World ride, and I still love the World Showcase at Epcot.  My newer favorite is the African Safari at Animal Kingdom.  It's like watching National Geographic Wild in real life!

Disney started these parks years ago, when parks were just for kids.  He wanted to create a park that the whole family could enjoy together.  And now look at it, parks all over the world.  

I know some people don't like Disney.  Like Ford, Morgan, Carnegie, Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, and other American titans of economy, life as we know it would be drastically different.  They were successful because they knew what people wanted, and they met that need.  This is part of what makes America great, that anyone with a dream, the will, and the ability, can make their dreams come true.  Like my parents, who weren't able to go to college, who started out with no home to call their own, worked hard all their life, made sacrifices, and ensured the safety and welfare of their children.  I can't thank my parents enough for teaching me the values that I hold dear.  I will forever be in their debt.  I love you mom and dad!