Wednesday, December 27, 2017

The Greatest Showman

My mom and I saw this movie yesterday in the theater.  And we loved it!  Everything about it was great, the music, singing, dancing, and acting.  

I especially loved it because I could relate to some of the characters.  I know what it's like to be different, a misfit.  It is not easy in a world that judges you based on how you look.  They had a place here, a job, a home, a family, at a time where there were no social services for them, little health care, and belief that people like us did not have a right to live a life as fully as possible.

I even dreamed of running away to join the circus as a child to be a trapeze artist.  I know that was terribly unrealistic, but I fantasized then that I was normal, and was famous for singing and dancing.  I loved to perform.  I loved being a part of something bigger that brought something beautiful to the world.  Even in this what some would call an ugly little body.  When I sang in the choir or danced on stage, I didn't feel ugly.  I felt beautiful.

I know the critics don't like this movie.  But movie goers do.  And I am one of them that thoroughly enjoyed it.  It was a feel good movie that is sorely needed in Hollywood.  

I think critics don't like the same things we like is that they have no joy and want to share in their misery.  We seek joy when we go to the movies, listen to music, or read a book.  We want to be entertained.  And the critics are jealous because these movies are successful and make a lot of money.  Where the critics' favorites make little money, are not successful, and only win stupid awards.  

About the animals, there were only elephants, the lions were computer generated.  Maybe they were elephants rescued from the real Barnum and Bailey Ringling Brothers.  Although I hate that there were wild animals in these circuses, they are now not there, and hopefully are back in the wild or a well run sanctuary.  Since my niece is in the circus, I have heard that the circus has saved some from a worse life..  Some are immigrants from another country and were given an opportunity to come here for a better life, and they are grateful for that.  So again, this is not a black and white issue, but one fraught with grey.  I think if we open ourselves up to trying to understand others, we may learn something, and we may appreciate that which we didn't  understand before.

So I highly recommend the movie.  The music is so great I bought the soundtrack and am loving listening to it!

Monday, December 18, 2017


It has been about 6 weeks that I wrote about my falling off the sanity wagon.  I am back on, I think.  So here is what I had to do to get back on.

First, I went to my psychiatrist and added a medication for anxiety.

Then I did an joined an online anxiety/depression support group.

Then I did an online workshop free from my health insurance:

Finally, I read some of my favorite self-help books: CHANGES THAT HEAL  by Henry Cloud, and EMBRACING THE FEAR, LEARNING to MANAGE ANXIETY and PANIC ATTACKS
by Judith Bemis and Amr Barrada.  

I also decided to try something new for my arm and hand pain.  I went to this website:, and tried some exercises and bought a wrist brace.  I don't know if the exercises are helping, but I think the wrist brace is.  I wear it all the time at home.  

So there you are with an update.  I have been busy working as not only am I doing my regular Tuesday and Thursday night teaching, but also Monday and Friday night for the teacher on maternity leave.  I also plan my lessons at home as I don't have time during my work shift. I am enjoying teaching and planning.  

Monday, November 13, 2017


On Veteran's Day, I adopted Bella from PetSmart/Angel of Hope.  She is 7 years old, and a sweetheart.  All she seems to want is attention, and to be scratched and petted.  She doesn't bother me in my sleep, when I eat, or when I am busy.  She loves the couch and the rug in the living room, where she likes to roll and around on her back.  She doesn't play with the few toys I got her, but, I just got the minimal what I needed until I could figure out what else she wanted.  She sleeps a lot, but she just came here from Georgia, and has a wound on her right ear, so who knows what she has been through.  I guess when I first saw her and her wound, I thought, she needs me.  Then I thought, I need her.  She has been a great comfort for me.  It's like I ordered the best cat ever.  

I am truly thankful to God for Bella.  It was three years ago when I tried to adopt, too soon, I guess, after Chocolate.  Now I have a job, which I thought I'd never have again, and a cat, of which I feared I would never have again.  I am thankful to God for both.  Maybe I just needed time re: the loss of Chocolate.  And maybe I just needed to find something that I liked and was good at, re: the job.  I still worry about the job, for worry that I won't do a good job or that people will not like me.  But I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, get help for myself, of which I am, and just be thankful.  

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

I'm Not Normal

I have been struggling with my new job. I started it last month, working 10 hours a week, with about 3 extra hours of planning time.  Now with my co-worker having her baby, I am filling in her 10 hours, no planning time, her and my  boss decided she could plan and send to me.  I am also having to do a training starting in a few weeks that will last to the summer.  I also feel like I am disappointing the lead teacher I am working with.  I think she hoped I could help her, but I feel like I can only do my job and nothing else.  I have had bouts of insomnia and IBS.  At least the sleeping pills I got from my psychiatrist are helping.  I don't know if I am going through perimenopause or what.  I also wonder sometimes if I have Asperger syndrome or ADD, as I can't multitask, remember things, or manage my  time well. I usually don't like to talk about this as people usually just try to give me more work to do to "solve" my problems.  I have been able to manage my IBS, but it is worse lately, I suppose due to stress.  I have always struggled with insomnia, the pills help, but I don't want to be dependent on them.  I have figured out what I can eat and cannot eat to lesson the IBS, I am on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety for my anxiety and depression, which usually helps.  And I am on birth control pills to lesson and regulate my periods, as they were so heavy I was so dizzy and weak, and had terrible cramps.  I have tried homeopathic remedies, but they have  not helped.  I get tired of having to defend myself, my diet, my lifestyle, etc.  Yes, I get up late and go to bed late.  I am not a morning person.  And yes, 10 hours doesn't seem like much, and it isn't, but add 10 more and all the other stuff that goes with it, and I get pooped, physically, and emotionally.  So I am very thankful that the teacher who had her baby was willing to help me out.  I hope she can continue to do so.  I get so sweaty at work. I do know I can't do high impact exercise as it makes my heart rate too fast. I learned this in college.  I assume it is because I have a heart murmur.  Also, since I can't breathe through my nose, and one of my lungs has less capacity due to scoliosis, I can't breathe as deeply either. 

I sometimes forget I am not normal, and I want to be normal.  I don't want to be a burden on my parents.  They have been through so much already.  I don't know if what I am feeling is PMS or what.  I just know I want to be happy and at peace again.  I am sorry for such a depressing post, but I needed to vent.  Thank you.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Stop the Insanity!

Last week was hell for me.  I had insomnia, an IBS attack, and hot flashes due to perimenopause.  I felt like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I was so anxious and depressed, I lost all desire for my job.  Which was weird as I love my job.  But I was anxious about some things, and my work schedule was not its usual schedule.  It just seemed like the Bermuda Triangle to trap my mind in a helpless, hellish state.  This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, wow.  And there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to live through it.  No pill, no prayer, no meditation on Scripture can stop it.  I just have to live through it.  It is hard to be patient though, and I freak out at times, making rash decisions and feeling like a failure.

I struggle with this as in some Christian circles, they don't believe in psychotropic medications, or don't believe that Christians can have mental illnesses.  It's almost like the Scientology way of thinking.  But I am living proof, and many others, that meds can help, therapy can help, and Christians can have mental illness!  I have always had these episodes, which usually only happen once a year, but I am thankful I have my parents to help me through it, and that I don't have to be institutionalized for it.  Not that I don't believe that institutions can help, they can.  But if you have a family or friends to help you through it, and a safe place to do so, so much the better.  

Some people might think that I am being blasphemous for saying that no amount of prayer or scripture can help me.  I'd like to tell them to walk in my shoes.  Then they will see that I am not lying, nor am I rebelling against God.  I am just human.  I am like Paul who asked God to heal him of some weakness, but God instead allowed it to continue, saying that His power is revealed in our weaknesses.  I think that is what happens sometimes.  I know I forget how much I need God, and I start to feel prideful and judgmental, thinking, yay, no more problems!  And bam, there they come like a hurricane.  And like hurricanes, you have to live through them.  And after a while, life gets better, life gets more normal.  The hurricane doesn't kill me, but reminds me of my immortality, and reminds me of God's love, and that His love is fierce.  

Monday, October 16, 2017

Bad Stadium

My mom had knee surgery 2 weeks ago.  Even so, she did not want to miss the match up between the MN Vikings and the Green Bay Packers.  My mom and my sister have had MN season tickets for years, so they have great seats near the front at the end zone.  But there is only one handicap area near the top, and near outside doors that for some inexplicable reason were left open yesterday.  You can use the handicap seats for a game at a time for a temporary disability, so they did, not knowing what they were really like.

The MN Vikings website said that they were ADA compliant.  I wonder if any of the people who designed this stadium or supposedly ensured that it was ADA compliant had ever had to use these handicap seats.  Not only wads there no elevator, but apparently there were no working handicap doors.  At least in the Metrodome, one could use an elevator if they needed to as to avoid the long flight of stairs.  Now there is none.  I guess they figure that if you want close seats, that is the price you have to pay, to climb all those stairs.  I remember the stairs at the Metrodome.  By the time I got to the top, I was panting.  And the security kept trying to get me to move out of the way.  I just glared at them.  They could arrest me for trying to live.  I wondered about this new stadium, why there is no elevator.  Don't they have to have a freight elevator to transport thing up and down?  Herberger's even let me use their freight elevator when their elevator was down and I am afraid to use escalators.

I suppose some might complain, well, at least they have seats.  So what?  So elderly and disabled people have to accept less than what they want?  Do the powers that be figure that oh well, they already have a disability, what difference does it make if they are cold?

It's like when I was a student about 12 years ago at the U of MN.  They had handicap access doors, but they were where people were allowed to smoke.  And sometimes the elevators didn't work.  I suppose the U figured oh well, they already have a disability, so what if they also get lung cancer from second hand smoke?  Right after I finished my program there, did they finally work on those problems.  

I guess I get disgusted when the elderly and disabled are ignored.   We are in such a PC culture nowadays that every one is demanding their rights.  What about our rights?  We don't have a celebrity voice.  We are not cool, and are rather representative of something that most people don't want to think about, having to get old, or having a disability.  I don't say this for myself, as I am relatively able bodied.  But I see what is happening around me, and what is happening to my parents as they get older, and it makes me sad.  

Monday, October 9, 2017

I am 50

Tomorrow I will be 50.  It seems unreal that I have lived that long.  When I was a child, 50 seemed so old.  But now that I am almost there, it really doesn't.  I still feel like a kid sometimes, maybe because I have none of my own.  But it's good to feel young, even though my body tells me everyday that I am getting older.

Here are some things I learned in my 50 years of existence:
Life is too short to get upset about the little things.
Friendships are worth more than politics.  
Being a parent is an awesome responsibility.  One not to be taken lightly.
Marriage will not change your spouse for the better, but will double your problems.
People are not perfect, don't expect them to be.
I am not perfect, don't expect me to be.
I wouldn't be able to survive this life without Jesus in it.
Life is hard.
Everyone has problems.
True love doesn't try to change a person.
What is inside is way more important than what is on the outside.
One can always tell cosmetic surgery or toupees to try to look younger.
It's OK to play with Barbies!
Animals are lot easier to have reciprocal relationships with than people.
God is the best One to have a relationship.  I can always count on Him.
Good parents teach their children right from wrong, and set limits.  Kids need that.
Marriage is a mutual sacrifice. 
Relation is not what makes a family.  Love is.
School prepares you for nothing.  Life does.
This is the only life you have.  Don't waste it wanting something you will never get.
Stand up for yourself.  No one else will.
Don't wait for help.  Get it.
Money does not buy happiness.
Beautiful people also have problems.
All the degrees in the world will not make you smarter.
It's OK to be weird.  It's better than being boring.
Life is beautiful.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Las Vegas

When I turned on the TV at 11 as I ate my lunch, I was shocked to find out that over 50 people had died and over 500 were wounded from this heinous shooting in Las Vegas last night.  The shooter was like a sniper, shooting from a window from his hotel room, at a group of people watching a country music performer sing.  He planned it days in advance, building up his pile of weapons and ammunition as he came and went to and from the hotel.

It amazed me at how calculating and methodical this criminal was.  They still don't know the motive, only how he managed to do it.  Unless he leaves something behind on social media or a last will and testament, we may never know.

For sure people will have spiritual explanations as to why this happened.  But that doesn't satisfy me.  I know people are capable of evil choices that can be influenced by evil forces in the world.  But people are still accountable to their actions.  We still make choices and we must take responsibilities for them.  Apparently, the killer's father was a criminal and diagnosed with mental illness. Even if the shooter had a supposed mental illness, that is no excuse.  Lots of people are mentally ill.  They don't kill people.  

So as I said, there is no excuse.  Yes, there does seem to need to me more gun control, as this criminal had a long-range gun.  It seems to stop these attacks from getting worse, or from lessening the impact, we need to be proactive and reactive.  There obviously needs to be stronger security in Las Vegas in general anyways.  In any large and populated tourist area there needs to be security.  When we went to Disneyworld, our bags were always checked, we always had to check our wristbands, which had all our personal info on them, and we had to scan our finger.  I had never seen so much security in all my travels.  But that was OK with me.  I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I don't believe in full gun control, but I do think the general public does not need such powerful weapons that can kill multiple people at a time.  But of course, there are other ways to kill people, with homemade bombs, chemical attacks, even a vehicle.  9-11 was caused by planes and tons of gas.  No weapons there, yet almost 3,000 people died.  The conclusion is that people kill people. 

I'd like to say we can prevent and stop this.  We can to some extent, but then again, there is only so much a human can do.  But as a I heard on KTIS radio today, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 

We can pray, turn to God, read His Word.  We can say something if we see something.  We can stay aware and be ready to defend the defenseless.  We must be united as Americans, and work together to stop the stem of violent attacks.  For 30 years ago as a child, these things never happened.  Now they happen far too often.  

Monday, September 25, 2017


My mom and I went to Disney world last week to celebrate my impending 50th Birthday (Yikes!), and for me, a celebration of getting a "real" job!  This was my 3rd time there, my mom's 4th time, so we stuck with things we liked and new things to check out.  It was so hot and humid, I think even more so compared to when we went 31 years ago in July.  It sapped us all our strength.  All I can say is thank goodness for air conditioning!  

These pictures are from the Magic Kingdom nighttime show, where they projected scenes from Disney movies, played music from them, and coordinated the fireworks with it all.  It was amazing.  I was in awe.  As Sheldon says in "The Big Bang Theory," it was pure Disney magic.  

I am always impressed by the Disney parks as the people who work there, for the most part, are friendly and cheerful.  I don't know how they do it in the heat, humidity, screaming kids, and demanding parents.  I think I would commit hari-kari pretty quickly.  And they always do a good job.  They are always committed to safety, reminding parents non-stop about their kids.  When I saw a lost little girl, 4 Disney workers came to her aid and helped her find her family.  I saw lots of adults and children with disabilities, and I am always pleased at how well Disney treats them.  Even though I was stared at right and left all over the place, they are usually little children who don't know any better and whose parents didn't teach them any manners.

I am always impressed how Disney is innovating constantly.  They never sit on their laurels, but continuously are updating, without destroying beloved entertainments.  I still love the Pirates of the Caribbean and It's a Small World ride, and I still love the World Showcase at Epcot.  My newer favorite is the African Safari at Animal Kingdom.  It's like watching National Geographic Wild in real life!

Disney started these parks years ago, when parks were just for kids.  He wanted to create a park that the whole family could enjoy together.  And now look at it, parks all over the world.  

I know some people don't like Disney.  Like Ford, Morgan, Carnegie, Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, and other American titans of economy, life as we know it would be drastically different.  They were successful because they knew what people wanted, and they met that need.  This is part of what makes America great, that anyone with a dream, the will, and the ability, can make their dreams come true.  Like my parents, who weren't able to go to college, who started out with no home to call their own, worked hard all their life, made sacrifices, and ensured the safety and welfare of their children.  I can't thank my parents enough for teaching me the values that I hold dear.  I will forever be in their debt.  I love you mom and dad!

Monday, September 18, 2017

It's Official, I'm a Teacher!

After 2 years of college classes, and 1 year of substitute teaching, I am finally and officially a teacher!  I got a very part-time job as an adult ESL teacher, for 9.5 hours a week.  I would have preferred the 19 hours a week position, but the boss wanted to split the position between 2 people.  A part of me feels like, the other teacher is married and has children, this is all I have!  But another part reminds me that I am thankful to have a job teaching the same students I have been volunteering with for the last 8 years.  

I don't know if it has sunk in yet.  Maybe it will if I get more hours.  But whenever I am planning lessons or correcting homework, then I feel official.  I feel pretty important.  I feel pretty good, considering I wasn't sure if I ever would be able to work again someday.  I had tried and failed so much that I was weary of ever trying again.

But I thank God for this opportunity, I would not be here without Him.  And I am thankful for my parents who have provided for me so I can go back to school without debt hanging over my head.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017


It will be the 16th anniversary of the 9-11 terrorist attacks in 5 days.  I hope we never forget this day, where nearly 3,000 innocent people died, thousands more injured, and more dying now due to the after affects of the attacks.  I have read so many books where 9-11 affected the writer, and have seen many documentaries about 9-11.  It has permeated our culture in almost every way.  Yet, we still are fighting this war on terror.  I wonder if we will ever win?  I hate to say it, but I doubt it.

If history is our guide, we have seen Islamic terrorist organizations come and go, and come back again.  Al Queda, the Taliban, Boko Haram, ISIS, the list goes on, depending on time and place.  But their goal is the same, to kill all infidels, and to destroy our world.  That is the gist of it.  

And there is no excuse for it.  Some people blame economy, poverty, lack of education, etc.  But we have seen lone wolf attacks by people who lived here, in America, who had an education.  So that can't be it.  And millions of people around the world live in poverty and have lack of resources, and they don't act out in violence.  So that isn't it.

These groups are just bullies, gangs of thugs that are bent on destruction.  I wonder if they really believe in the fundamentalist Islamic rhetoric, or they are just using it as an excuse.  A convenient way to justify their heinous actions.  They act like a cult, if you don't agree with them, then you are destroyed.  

And it seems to never end.  We chased Al Queda out of Afghanistan, but they just went into Pakistan.  We supposedly chased out the terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan.  But once our troops left, the terrorists were back.  Not a surprise.  Now what do we do?  The same thing?  We know from history that half-assed attempts will never work.  So either we go in full force or leave them to their own devices.  Unfortunately, we have left them, and now look what has happened, they are back, and the people, the regular folks just trying to survive, are paying the price for our negligence.  

One could look at this as humans being humans, there will always be terrorists, etc.  But I feel for the thousands, if not millions, of people around the world being killed or chased out of their communities, abused and neglected, and living in fear.  They did not choose to be born where they are.  They want to live in a land that is dying.  

It makes me appreciate my little life, such as it is.  I live in the greatest country on God's green earth.  I have freedom of religion and speech.  I have an education.  I have a job.  I have my family.  I have a home.  What more do I need?  

Monday, August 28, 2017

Founding Fathers

Lately there have been calls to rid America of confederate symbols and monuments, including statues of the Confederacy.  I have lived in the North all my life.  These symbols have no effect on me.  I am not an African-American, I did not live in the South.  So I don't believe I have any say in what happens to these symbols.  The ones to make that decision are the ones most affected by them.  

But I have heard calls of destroying the symbols of our Founding Fathers, including George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.  This I wholeheartedly disagree with.  

Growing up, I had no idea that Washington or Jefferson had slaves.  Honestly, I didn't really care about these long ago presidents.  I called them dead white men, and was tired of hearing about only them in my history classes.  I wanted to learn about world history, what life was like around the world for all people groups.  

About 10 years ago my mom and I went on a tour of historic sites on the East Coast, including Washington, D.C., and Virginia.  We visited Mount Vernon, Washington's home, and Monticello, Jefferson's home.  I knew by then that Jefferson had slaves and had a relationship with a slave.  But I don't think I knew about Washington.  

This was a struggle for me, as by seeing these sites, seeing the battle grounds of Valley Forge, and learning more about the Revolutionary War, I had come to admire these two men.  I couldn't fathom why they were slave owners, I thought they were better than that.  

I don't honestly know what they were like as slave owners.  All I know is that Washington was the general who won the Revolutionary War, and Jefferson was the one who penned the Declaration of Independence.  

This affirms to me, yet again, that most people have good and bad in them.  Washington and Jefferson were good presidents, just had bad thinking when it came to slavery.  Like most other famous people, we cannot simply discard someone because they happen to do something or think something that we don't like.  This doesn't take away the good things they dd.  It's like that saying, "you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater."  

It is so easy nowadays to quickly judge someone, anyone, based on one thing.  But what we don't realize is that people's actions and ideas don't come out of thin air.  They come through experiences, thoughts, emotions, and relationships.  It is too easy to judge someone without thinking what it's like for them.  History has evolved over time, so what we thought was OK back then we know now to be wrong.  

Let us not forget the great accomplishments of our Founding Fathers.  They chose to risk their lives to fight the tyranny of the British government.  They could have taken it easy, and profited from trade with the British.  But they chose to mark their own trail, to beat their own drum.  They chose to take a chance on the impossible, and somehow made it possible.  For that, their monuments should be a testament for all time.  

Monday, August 14, 2017

A Violent Weekend

This was written by the father of a man who on social media had tried to defend his actions at attending a white supremacist rally in Virginia last weekend.  I feel for this man, and his family, who wonder how his son came to develop such racist ideas to think that it is OK to be a part of such racists groups.

I used to live in the Fargo-Moorhead area.  I know racism abounds there. Even though it is a town full of people who vote Democrat.  These same Democrats I know are racist.  

I take offense that these neo-Nazi, white supremacist groups consider themselves Christian.  Nothing they believe in is in the Bible.  They probably have never cracked one open.  I have read, studied, and learned the Bile for years and know that their rhetoric is not Christian.  It is from the fiery pit of hell.

I also take offense that they consider themselves Republican.  My parents are Republican.  They find the violent actions of these groups repugnant.  I know plenty of Republicans that are not racists in any way.  

Needless to say, to see and read about the violence this weekend saddened me. I guess I was living in blissful ignorance thinking that the KKK was no longer an issue.  I guess living in the relatively diverse state of MN I got blissfully ignorant.  I knew there was still trouble in the South, just not to this extent.  It boggles my mind that any one with a knowledge of history and the Bible would join these groups.  Nazis were not Christian either.  In fact, they persecuted Christians, and created their own cult-like religion.  

I am just shocked at the ignorance of these groups.  How neo-Nazis can deny the Holocaust is beyond me.  You can just go all over Europe and see the concentration camps.  Didn't they see those horrible videos in grade school that showed the mass graves of Jewish bodies?  How can they deny it?  

Some people may say it's just human nature.  And maybe it is.  Some people are so brainwashed into their thinking, whatever violent thinking they have, that they don't question it.  They continue to pursue it to the end.  But we don't have to accept it.  We can strive for better.

I hope that this father's hopes will be fulfilled.  I wonder if the son knows how much grief and sorrow he is causing them.  I wonder if this madness and insanity will ever end.

Thursday, August 3, 2017


People ask me why I live in MN if I hate the winters so much.  So here are my reasons:

1.  My family is here.

2. My church is here.

3. I've lived in Cutters Grove for 20 years.

4. I've volunteered and subbed at Anoka Technical College ABE for 8 years, and, Lord willing, am starting a part-time teaching job there starting after labor day!

5. MN State Fair, need I say more?

6. The Mall of America, need I say more again?

7. Duluth and the North Shore.

8. Moorhead, where my parents grew up and I went to college.

9. Minnesota's historic sites and museums.

10. Although they are short, the summers.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017


Lately I have been watching Dr. Phil in the afternoons while I eat supper before I go subbing or volunteering.. I have always liked Dr. Phil, he seems smart without showing off.  Instead, he relates to people where they are at, but doesn't take any crap.  He's honest and will call someone out if need be.  Yet, he is compassionate and has resources for people to help them, from his books to his website.  I've never read his books.  I used to read self-help books, when I needed them, but now it has been years since I read my fill.  

I do want to talk about an initiative that his wife, Robin, has on the website.  Here is the link:

This is a free curriculum about domestic violence, for all interested.  Included on this page is a link to a free app that a victim can use to call for help with one touch of a button.  

I have not looked at either resources, but from watching Dr. Phil off and on for years, I think it would be helpful.  Even in this day and age, domestic abuse is so prevalent, and there seems to be little help for the victims.  Not only that, it affects the whole family, not just the spouse.  Even if the children are not abused, they learn a dysfunctional and damaging way of relating to others.  Like with an addict,  the victims focus on the abuser, neglecting all others in the family.  The victim doesn't mean to, but they are usually so beaten down, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, that they don't think they can do without the abuser.   

When I see this happen, it breaks my heart.  I have had friends who were in abusive relationships, and I wished I could save them.  I wished I could get them to see that they don't need this person, that they were of infinite worth.  But abuse breaks the spirit.  

So if you are in an abusive relationship, get help!  No one should be abused, no one has the right to abuse you..  

Friday, July 21, 2017

I Hope to Teach

 I have been volunteering teaching adult ESL for 8 years, and have been substitute teaching in Adult Basic Education for 1 year.  I have an ABE certificate and am working on my ABE license.  Now, I am applying for an ESL teaching position where I volunteer.  

For the last 2 weeks, and for at least 1 more week, I have been subbing where I volunteer.  I have been enjoying it so much.  It is a weird feeling for me when I teach.  I sometimes feel like it is not me, but a me that I don't get to see very much. It is a me that feels alive, and feels the power of God flowing through me.  It is the me that has no worries, and no sadness.  It is the me that I always wanted to be.

There is not much else in my life where I feel this way.  Relationships are a challenge, writing is a love/hate thing.  I rarely feel like I am my best self in these things.  And of course, the every day chores  I hate to do.  

But in teaching, I feel joy and peace, and I never want that feeling to end.  It's like a high in a way.  

I hope I get this job. I hope I will be successful at it.  I hope I will continue to feel this way.  

I thank God I finally found something that makes me feel good about myself, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in my little corner of the world.  

Thursday, July 13, 2017

The Merged Gospels

This past spring I heard about the Octagon Project.  It is live and virtual reality tours of the Holy Land.  You don't  need a virtual reality system to view them, and you can view them on any computer, smartphone, or tablet.  The link to this website is under the picture above.  The picture is of a Bible that merges the Gospels chronologically.  You can order this Bible on this website, either print or eBook.  I have loved reading it this summer.  In fact, it is my second time, and I want to read it again!  I love how it tells the story of Jesus in order, so that it's like a biography of His life in one big book.  

I have also enjoyed watching some of the videos.  I hope to go to Israel someday.  But I don't want to go with just any tour group.  I could kick myself for not going with my church years ago.  This is the armchair way of seeing the sights of Bible times.  Also, something bad always seems to be happening there.  Which makes me sad, as all these historical sites of such a great historical people, we can't see, or there is so much fighting over who owns what where.  I wonder if it will ever be resolved.  I think most of the people of that region would like it to be resolved.  But it's always those few who have a lot of power but very little ethics to cause so much pain.  It's like they have held the Holy Land hostage for destruction.  

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Independence Day

All Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

I'm Wrong?

A few weeks ago some people told me I don't always have to be right.  I think I have been told this for many years, but never really listened until now.  

I think I never realized that I did this, that I always argue and tried to correct people.  I mean, I knew, but I didn't realize how much it hurt people.  My family seemed  to tolerate and even laugh, until it got to be too much, even for them.  

For a while there I felt such remorse and regret.  I watch Big Bang Theory and laugh at Sheldon, knowing that I am like him too in some ways.  But TV is not real life.  Real people have feelings.  

I finally thought to myself, "It isn't about being right, it's about being loving."  And I have to keep reminding myself of this.  Because it is so easy to act like I know everything.  I forget that sometimes people don't like that and they might feel hurt.  The last thing I ever wanted to do is hurt people's feelings.  Then I find out I have.  And it broke my heart.

So here I am telling the world that I have this problem.  I will probably always have this problem.  But as they say, knowledge is the first step.  Now I know, I can hopefully become more aware of it.  It is so easy for things to come out of my mouth before I think. I much prefer to write.  Too bad we can't edit our speaking.  

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Wonder Woman

I have been waiting as long as I can remember for a Wonder Woman movie.  I was a huge fan of the Wonder Woman TV show as a child, and I even dressed as Wonder Woman one Halloween.  I wanted to be Wonder Woman.  I wanted to fly through the air and beat up the boys who made fun of me at school.  I wanted to be powerful like Wonder Woman, and not have these disabilities that made me have scary surgeries and painful treatments.

I saw this movie last week and I loved it.  It was so wonderfully made, and it represented well the power of women.  Finally, women have a hero for them, one that stands on her own, and not just a sidekick of a male superhero.  

I may have waited too long for this.  But it is better late than never, where I am on the cusp of finishing half of a century of life, I finally get my wish.  I get a beautiful superhero that can leap tall buildings, deflect speeding bullets, and wield a sword like a knight.  


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Father's Day

My dad admires Henry Ford so much that he has a room full of Ford memorabilia in his basement.  So even though this is not a Father's Day quote, this is something that I see in my dad.  For he strives not to get attention, but to see how his best looks.  

My dad is also a patriotic man.  I rarely see him cry, but as we were watching "Saving Private Ryan" the other day, he cried.  He always cries at the playing of "Taps" too.  He didn't get into the military because of his bad back, but he wanted to.  

Being a father and a husband are the most important things to him.  He has never been much of a demonstrative man, and he has always been a man of few words.  His words aren't cheap.  But he is a man of principle.  He lives by his conscience, whether it is popular or not.  He doesn't care what others think.  

He is the smartest man I know.  Smarts don't come from a degree.  It comes from using your brain.  And he has and always does.  

I have always admired him, and looked up to him.  He is a humble man, not one to toot his horn.  He doesn't brag, but has a quiet dignity that brings respect.  

I am so very thankful for my dad.  For his wisdom and foresight to provide for us, then, now, and in the future.  I am thankful for a dad I can trust to be honest and real.  What you see is what you get.

I have learned a lot from this man.  He taught me what matters.  He is not perfect, no person is.  But he is the person I needed.  He demonstrates his love and commitment through his actions, which speak much louder than words.
So I hope you have a very happy Father's Day, dad.  I love you.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

See Something, Say Something

I saw this sign in the subways of NYC, where I went with my family a few weeks ago.  For some reason, it stuck with me.  Maybe I felt responsible as I was guiding my family through the mazes of the subway system.  Maybe it was because it was the day after flying into JFK and hearing this being said over the loudspeaker numerous times.  Nevertheless, it stuck with me.

Later that week my mom and I were in a Starbucks when I happened to see an unattended bag.  I remembered this sign and how in the airports they tell you to report an unattended bag.  I showed it to my mom and she pointed me to two police officers nearby.  I went to them and directed them to the bag, of which another unattended bag appeared.  I told my mom let's get out of here, envisioning a horrible explosion ready to take place. As we were at the door, five men walked by us,. two holding those same bags.  The police officers had asked if those bags belonged to anyone, but I don't know what happened between that and the men leaving.  They didn't look happy though, and so as not to appear non-PC, they looked mighty suspicious to me.

I don't really know what those men were doing there, or what was in their bags.  But I knew I was in a city that has suffered the worst attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor, and I wasn't going to take any chances.  

Sometimes I feel so helpless about the war on terror.  I want to do something but all I can think of is to pray.  Not that that isn't effectual.  But in WWII, every one participated in some way.  Everyone was involved in the war effort.  Now most of us aren't.  We go about our every day lives barely noticing anymore any attacks anywhere.  Even when Manchester was hit on Monday, I didn't see anything about it until later that evening, and it had happened earlier in the day.  Why so late?  Why was there no breaking news?  Have we become so apathetic and complacent that we don't even notice anymore?  

I think we can all do our part, we can all join in the war effort.  First thing to admit is that there is a war, a war between good and evil.  A war against those who practice extremist Islamic jihad.  If we can't call it what it is, we have already lost the battle.

We have to make a stand for what's right, and against evil.  Evil that throws homosexuals off of buildings, evil that straps bombs on children, evil that closes all schools except for madrassas.  Evil that takes away a woman's identity and makes her a slave, evil that destroys all works of art, and evil that eliminates any source of joy and peace.  

This is not what I signed up for as an American.  But just waiting for the government to fix it, or just depending on our armed forces to win it, is too much for them to bear.  I may not be able to do much, but I can


Monday, May 15, 2017

Mother's Day

I owe all that I am and hope to be to my angel mother also.  I do also feel this way about God and my dad, but yesterday was Mother's Day, and I want to thank her for that.

Last night I watched a show about how a mother advocated for her daughter, and fought for her to get whatever she needed.  Sometimes the enemy is too big, and the mother has to step in to speak for their children.  And that is what a mother is supposed to do.

My mom spoke up for me with doctors, schools, and rude parents with ruder kids. People might not have liked her for it, but a mother does that when her child is suffering and needs her help.  A mother fights for her children.  And my mom did, and still does, even to this day.  

I am thankful my mom taught me to be strong myself.  There will always be people who don't like me for what ever reason, and who will not help me with what ever I may need.  Sometimes my family and I are on our own, against a world that doesn't want people like me around.  

True, there are some good people out there, and true, I am not an easy one to deal with.  But when it come to a child with a disability, a mother has to always be ready for a fight.  And a mother has to teach her child to advocate for themselves.  She also taught me to advocate for others, to be a voice for those who have none.

She taught me that life doesn't have to be the way it is.  We can fight for right.  We can fight for justice.  Sometimes we won't get it, but unless we try, we will never know.  

Thank you Mom, for all you have done for me.  I love you.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

9-11 Museum and Memorial

My family and I finally made the journey to NYC, admonishing my father to not fall off any more tractors!  We did the usual Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Central Park, Rockefeller Square, and Times Square.  But the one place that moved me to take pictures and now to write, was the 9-11 Museum and Memorial.  Please note that I can't find info on the pictures I took, so I am going on memory.  I encourage every American to see this stirring museum themselves.  

This was the last pillar standing in the attacks.  The numbers are those who perished in each first responder departments.

These are the survivor's stairs, where hundreds of people were able to escape the towers.

 On the left is part of the TV and radio antennae from the towers.

On the right is an elevator motor from the towers.  

On the left is a marker that was made after the first WTC attack in 1993.  On the right is a set of many girders that melted and bent from the heat and the collapse.   

On the left is a window from a plane.  On the right is a fire truck that was at the scene. 

After the attacks, there were missing posters all over the city.  The right is a quote to remember those who lost their lives on this horrendous day.  "No day shall ever erase you from the memory of time,"  from Virgil. 

These are the memorial pools.  The towers fell on these very sites.  All the names of the victims engraved around the pools.  

My pictures do not do the museum justice, and these are just a few of the remnants found there.  I hope that as in the Holocaust, we will never forget.  This is my generation's Pearl Harbor, and we must never waiver from the duty to remember those who lost their lives on that fateful day.  And we must never forget.

Monday, April 24, 2017

I Believe in God

This past weekend my church started a new series that you can see in the picture about.  If you would like to watch the sermon, click on the words below the picture.  

This is a timely series as a new movie is out called, "The Case for Christ," which is based on a book by the same name, written by a once atheist journalist who came to belief.  I've read the book myself and highly recommend it.

The sermon was good as always, as I had already worked out in my mind and heart why I believe.  The pastor talked about how there seems to be a dichotomy between science and religion.  But I think both can co-exist.  I do think that evolution has a place, as we can see that animals and humans adapt to their surroundings over time and space.  But I do believe we are not evolved from animals.  The proof for me is our sense of morality and theory of mind.  Theory of mind is our conscious thinking.  We know we are thinking about our thoughts, feelings, values, etc.  Animals don't have a sense of morality, they act on instinct.  They do have thoughts and feelings, but not like we do.  It's hard for me to explain.  People might think I don't love animals because of this.  But it is my love for animals that contribute to this. It is not fair to humanize animals, expecting from them what they are not able to give us.  Yes, they are far more intelligent than we give them credit for, but as I've said, their thinking is different than ours.  They don't think about God, eternity, etc.  It is because we are higher than animals that we are commanded to take care of them and respect them.  It does not mean that we can use them for our own purposes, or to make them more human.  

But I digress.  One more pint about science.  Even if the big bang were true, what caused the big bang?  Eventually you have to admit that something or someone created the circumstances for that to happen.  Noting exists out of a vacuum.  Therefore, I believe God created the world and all that is in it.

This makes all life have value.  At the turn of the century (1900), eugenics was very popular, which was based on evolution.  Eugenics is the belief of a superior race overcoming an inferior one.  This fit nicely with the Nazi's goal of creating a pure race and eliminating what they perceived as inferior.  There is no value in individual life in this theory.  On the other hand, being created by God gives value to all people and things.  Personally, I like this as I would have no value in the eugenics theory.  My life would not matter, and if not eliminated, as least not given the chance to pass on my progeny.

Morality exists, whether we want to admit it or not.  Most of us believe that murder and abuse are wrong.  We have laws to punish those who do this.  We may disagree on other actions that may or may not be explicitly wrong, but that doesn't mean we do away with all morality. Most religions have a sense of right or wrong.  These religions form the basis of governments around the world.  Communism is anti-religious.  No one life has value.  All are for the country.  No one has rights.  No one can exercise free will.  

It is true that religion sometimes has caused harm, like in the Crusades or the Inquisition, but those are caused by people, not religion.  Religion does good.  It brought the plight of the poor, disabled, and mentally ill to the forefront.  It stopped slavery.  It brought the civil rights movement.  My point is, again, you can't throw all of something away because of the few bad people that would use anything to take power from the people.  

My beliefs have been developed over years of study.  I don't just believe what others tell me, I want to find out through research and study.  God gave me a brain, He expects me to use it.  The more I study about Him, the more I am convinced He is real.  History, science, and literature tells me so.  

Wednesday, April 19, 2017


The Easter message and music was just what I needed in my miserable estate of having a flu/cold/virus.  I was coughing so much I was unable to sing, so I just sat during the worship, sucking on a cough drop and sweating profusely while having a coughing fit.  

If you click on the words below the picture above, you can watch the sermon as well.  Along with that are discussion questions that i thought would share with you how I would answer them.

They asked about my hope.  I thought to myself, I don't just have hope, I know Jesus is real, and He lives!  That is what I hang my hopes on, for nothing else is as perfect as His love for me.  True, I have family and friends and pets that love me, but we are all human, we all hurt each other from time to time, and it is really not fair to totally depend on a human or thing for everything.  I made that mistake with Chocolate.  

I do believe I have been transformed by Jesus.  I know sometimes I don't show it, which I regret.  But I know in my heart and mind and soul, that I have peace, real peace, that comes from knowing Him.  Not only that, I have true contentment that I am blessed, and I have a good life.  It is not perfect, no life is, we all have problems.  But I know I am not alone, ever,  He is with me always.

Finally, they asked about relationships.  My relationship with God is, I think, growing deeper each day, as I read His word and pray.  I must confess I still get depressed and anxious.  Living with a mental illness, like a disability, is something you never get rid of.  You just learn to live with it, like whatever weaknesses a person may have.  Through that,  I can believe that God can bring something good out of it, which He has, like my writing, and my support group.  My relationships with others tend to fluctuate over time.  When I was away at college, I had a great group of friends that I still keep in contact with to this day.  Now I am home, and my friends are married with dependents, I have my family that I am close to.  So I think God has always provided me with others that I can talk to, have fun with, and help when needed.  

So there is my hope.  And in retrospect, I can see that following Christ has been the best thing for me.  I have hope, I have peace, and I have love.  What more do I need?  The rest is just gravy!

Monday, April 3, 2017

The Zookeeper's Wife

I just finished reading this excellent book, and the movie is now out in theaters, although I will probably not see it as it involves animals dying, which always sends me over the edge emotionally.  

It is a true story of a zoo keeping family in Warsaw, Poland that helped the Underground and hid Jews during WWII.  I had read a book a few weeks back about what happened to the Poles during WWII, and now I have read this.  Before these books, I had no idea of what happened in Poland, except for the Nazis' taking all the Jews from the Ghetto in Warsaw.  I wondered why I have not heard of these things until now.  I never realized the whole impact of WWII upon the European populace.  I suppose no one, but God, will ever fully know the impact.

The Nazis seemed to have an obsession with not only creating a pure race, but also a pure world, with nature and animals included.  At least what they considered pure.  So when they came to the zoo, they took the breeds they wanted to breed to its original state, and killed the rest of the animals.  

They came in and changed the floral and fauna, desiring to turn Poland into a pure German/Aryan country.  Thus, not only were Jews carted off to the camps and crematoriums, all the intelligentsia and political figures were killed.  They came in and destroyed Warsaw, obliterating it to ruins.  

Why did they hate the Poles so?  From what I can gather, and I may be wrong, Germany had considered the land Poland was on German, and it was right between Germany and Russia.  The Nazis had intention to invade Russia all along, but they had to take over Poland.  Russia wanted Poland too, so they agreed to divvy up Poland between the two parties, until Germany reneged on the deal.  I am surprised that Russia was stupid enough to trust Germany, considering they were just as ruthless.  

The Polish Underground was the greatest one in Europe, well organized and well managed.  They helped each other out, hiding Jews from one place to another.  They left animals at the zoo, know the family would care for their pets.  The Poles helped the Jews transform their appearance so they wouldn't look Jewish, but German, or at least Polish, coloring hair, teaching mannerisms, even cosmetic surgery.  

I guess Germany was mad that they lost so miserably after WWI that they wanted to punish the world.  Not all of Germany, of course, but when the Nazis came into power, they were  a murderous mob bent on destruction.  It is amazing to me how people can hate others so much that they indiscriminately kill, maim, or destroy.  

I can see why they have the EU.  They just don't want to go through that again.  And yet, there is a rise in neo-Nazism and antisemitism in Europe.  I don't get that.  Every where you go there is a museum about WWII and what happened.  Why would they want to go through that again?  Why would they deny something that is so obvious?  Are these people so brainwashed like in a cult that they just can't see what is in front of them?  It boggles the mind.

I don't suppose these questions can be easily answered, as we see this type of systemic destructive thinking and behavior all over the world, from gangs and cults, terrorists and extremists.  These systems give individuals a sense of power that they think they don't have.  And their solution is violence.