Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Things That Matter

My cat makes me laugh.  He stands at the door outside my apartment and wants me to open it.  I open it.  He goes out. I close it.  Then he wants to go in.  I open it.  Then in goes in.  I close it.  Then he wants to go out. 

I write this as I am frustrated with my computer, dissatisfied with my memoir, and clueless as to what to write about next on this blog. 

But then I have to remember that God is in control.  He will never leave me nor forsake me.  He will not abandon me or give up on me.

He will empower me when I write.  And sometimes I feel that, like something flowing through my fingertips when I write, wondering where the words I type come from.

I feel that when I figure out a way to communicate a grammar rule to the students I teach at ESL.

I feel that when I help a family and pet fall in love and go home together.

Alt=series titles and a view of Downton AbbeyAnd I am reminded that these are the things that matter. 

When my parents and I enjoy watching Downton Abbey.

When my niece and I goof off and make funny noises.

Cold Stone CreameryIced Caffè MochaWhen I enjoy Cold Stone Creamery and watch Big Bang Theory with my sister. 

These are the things that matter. 
Having a warm bed on a cold night.

Seinfeld logo.svgHaving my fave iced mocha at Starbucks. 
Laughing at old Seinfeld episodes or icanhascheezeburger.

In moments like this, I remember that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.  And life is worth living, even when
the computer doesn't work,
even when I have writer's block, even when I am not perfect. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

New Beginnings


This is the sunset of Costa del Sol, in the southern edge of Spain.  The only sunset that I ever took a picture of.  I love to look at this photo as it warms my soul, and reminds me of my bravery in traversing the continent of Europe.  How I enjoyed those moments.

Now I am trying to divest of that same bravery by writing and publishing my writings.  I just emailed one agent and three publishers a query of my story.  I also put it on authonomy ( to get some word of mouth going.  I don't know what will become of it but I know I have to try.  If I fail, I fail, at least I know it.  I hate to end my life wondering if.  I think of my grandma how unhappy she was when I was an adult.  She loved being a grandma but once the kids were grown, she seemed to have no purpose in life anymore.  She lived to care for children.  But without that, there seemed to be no meaning.  I don't want to be like that.  I don't want to live my life in fear. 

So I look at this sunset as if to remind myself that I have this life to live, and I better make it worthwhile!   I am here for a reason, defied the so-called experts for a reason.  So I am determined to not waste another day fretting about what if.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I'm Not Normal

The title of today's post is what I want to name my memoir that I plan to start editing next week.  I think it's a good title, and I'll tell you why.

This past fall I went to a conference at my church led by Ruth Haley Barton.  It was called Sacred Rhythms, about developing spiritual habits in our relationship with God.  In one session, Ruth asked us to visualize ourselves as the blind beggar in Mark 10: 46-52.  Here is the text:

46 Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
48 Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”
49 Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”
So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” 50 Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.
51 “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

Ruth then asked us to pretend that Jesus was talking to us when He asked "what do you want me to do for you?"  We were instructed to not censor our thoughts, but to be brutally honest with God and ourselves. 

The thought that popped out of my mind was, "I want to be normal!"  I was shocked that I thought such a thing.  I thought I had already dealt with all that.  I thought I accepted my physical appearance, my jobless state, my single status.  But even so, at times I still struggle with it.  When I see a happy couple, when someone gets a great job, or when I see a pretty woman be successful.  Jealousy rears its ugly head (no pun intended), and I wallow in self-pity and shame. 

I guess in life we all struggle with what we don't have at times.  Life always looks greener on the other side.  I know marriages are not all happy, I have seen my share of them.  I know jobs are fleeting, people lose them everyday.  I know pretty women get old too.  It's just at times, I want that anyways.  But then, I think, I can barely cope with what little problems I have in my life now, how could I cope with more?  I've quit jobs because I couldn't cope with them.  I am too stubborn and independent for any man, and difficult to live with!  I've known pretty women and they have problems too. 

I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.   Not dwell on past regrets, not fear the future and old age.  But the here and now.  That's all I have control over anyways.  As usual, I am challenged to just trust in God.  I don't know what I'd do without him.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Another Brave Woman

My mom pointed me to this woman's video that I wanted to share with you:
I could relate to her story, and I liked how she learned to cope with bullies. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

A New Year

The Monday after the holidays is called the most depressing day of the year.  I can see why.  I was stuck at home, too dang cold to go out (-48 windchill, and if you don't know what that means you haven't lived) and I had chores to do.  Yay.  I dutifully did my chores, freezing in my cold apartment all the day, worrying about my poor baby (my cat) and feeling guilty about it, like I have anything to do with the weather or my cold abode. 

Last week I found a wet spot in a box that Chocolate (my cat), likes to sleep in.  Along with the impending period (the next day), I was an emotional wreck.  I thought this was it, he is dying.  After the weekend of no more public urination and the worst of my period being over, I am ok, and so, apparently is he.  I decided that he thought "it's a box, therefore I can do my business in it."

Last week I also did some research about what to do with my story.  You know, the one I am trying to write.  I finally edited it to my satisfaction, and tried to figure out what to do with it.  It is technically a novelette.  Not a novel which is 50,000, and not a short story, which is 5,000.  Mine is 10,000.  I could try to extend it to novel length, but I keep thinking what is the purpose of me writing it, and should I do it?  The thought of writing more makes me want to hurl, and I just keep feeling like it doesn't seem like it should be longer.  But a novelette is hard to sell apparently, so I got depressed, which doesn't help when you get your period, and took a break from it.

I am still on a break from it.  I am presently doing a "Jumpstart your Creativity" book that helps jog your imagination.  I am getting some ideas from that, which is cool.  But the story keeps nagging at me.

So I decided to do what I should always do yet never do, give it to God.  I don't know why, but I struggle so much on my own in whatever I do that I create such anxiety within me.  I hate making decisions because I don't know!  Augh!  FINALLY, I realize, if it is God's will, He will make it so.  So I remember that, FINALLY, and give it to Him, and stop obsessing about it. 

I know He loves my cat even more than me, so I know I can trust Him with him.  And I believe He inspired me with the story I wrote, so if He wants others to read it, He will make it so, somehow.  I often forget this and have to give it to Him again, but when I do, I am surrounded with peace.  As I learned in my 12-step group, I have to take it one step at a time.  By the grace of God go I.

Monday, January 6, 2014

A fellow KFS victor

As many of you know I manage an online community and support group for adults with Klippel-Feil syndrome, the syndrome I was born with.  A long time member of this little group does extreme travel and records his adventures on his website:  Since I am house bound today due to the record low temps I thought I would check it out, and then send it to you!  I hope it inspires you to do something you've always wanted to do.