Thursday, March 26, 2015


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Last weekend I decided to foster a cat.  It did not go well.  The cat was great but it kept me up all night.  I did not sleep.  Needless to say, I became a basket case.  My mind swirled with anxiety and obsessive thoughts.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  So I brought it back.  I decided to promise my mom that I would not step foot in a pet store or shelter until the fall, for it will be a year when my Chocolate died.

I just can't seem to get over it.  I was doing so well but it was only two weeks.  Not enough time to be sure I was ready.  Even just going to the shelter to visit cats was painful, as I couldn't seem to control myself from putting a cat on hold.  I guess I'm just not ready.

I miss having a cat, but I guess taking care of Chocolate wore me out.  I worried about him, about what would happen to him if I died before he did.  My family couldn't take him, they are allergic. 
The humane society would probably put him down because of his bite history.  He had no place to go.  And I spent myself to make him happy.  I so wanted to help him in his pain, and take it away.  

Is it possible to love a pet too much?  Maybe I did.  I lost many things over the 18 years we were together: grandparents, friends, singles group, career.  I lost my sense of purpose.  He was my purpose.  Probably not a good idea but I loved him, and in his way, he loved me.  We got used to each other, and I kept comparing him to the other cats I tried to love.  I guess it is too soon.

I don't know if it is my period coming but I do feel such a sense of despair.  Maybe part of it to is not having Bible study during the summer.  I do enjoy taking care of the birds at the wildlife rehab center, but I miss the fellowship with other like-minded ladies.  The ladies at the group have been such a source of support for me, especially this year.  I will miss them this summer.

I guess I just feel sad and mad.  I did feel happy, but now sad and mad.  Mad that I have no one to share my life with.  Mad that I have no purpose.  Mad that I have no social life.  Mad that I am never good enough for a man.  Mad that people have bullied me over the years and I still feel the pain and still hear their voices.  Mad that I never seem to get over this, whatever this is.  Mad that it takes a long time to get over loss.  Mad that I have to keep going to counseling, support group, and taking meds but I can't seem to get my act together.  

Sorry for being in such a bad mood.  But I am tired of being along and struggling alone.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Wildlife Rehabilitation Center

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This summer I will again volunteer at the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Roseville, MN, in the avian nursery.

This will be my third year, and I look forward to going back every summer.

We are always super busy in the summer, and always need volunteers.  If you are interested you can go to their website:

I love doing this for I love animals, as you know.  But it is more than that.  It fills me with a thrilling feeling, that I can't explain. 

I love to hear them sing, in all their unique songs.  I love to watch them gape like in the photo above, waiting for me to squirt formula into their tiny beaks.  I love to make new nests for them out of toilet paper, so they don't have to sit in their sacks of excrement.  I love the different ways they even excrete their excrement!  Some birds scoot to the edge of their nests and stick their butts up and squirt it out.  This way their parents can pick up the sack in their beaks and carry it away somewhere.  Isn't that smart?

I love how some birds make such a racket when you feed them, it is louder than the songs.  I even love sifting for live worms and maggots to feed the birds, and watching them snap it off the end of the tweezers. 

I do feel sad when they die.  At my first death, I cried.  But after that I knew that we couldn't save all the birds.  At least we could save some.  Otherwise, all the birds would be dead. 

I feel good knowing that I am taking care of God's creatures that bring me such joy.  Now when it is warmer I can open my screen door and hear the birds sing, and see the ducks swim in the creek behind my building.  I see life again after a seemingly long, bleak winter (I say seemingly as I think all winters in MN are long and bleak). 

It's good to see life again, especially after so much grief.  I guess I am starting to feel hope again. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015


I love reading memes.  They just make me laugh!  Anyways I liked this one, I think it is very apropos. 

I have been feeling better these days.  I don't know if it is the book I read, "The Grief Recovery Method for Pet Loss," an increase in meds, the time change, or the weather FINALLY warming up.  But I do feel better.

I still don't know what to do about a pet.  Should I adopt one or two cats, should I foster, what should I do?  A part of me thinks fostering is better for now as I don't have to commit.  But a part of me sees pictures of Siamese cats and I melt like hot chocolate. 

I also thinks it helps me to stop watching FOX news channel and stop reading or opening anything on the internet that I know will upset me.  I just try to stick to my and  Both these sites crack me up.  Also I find shows on TV that make me laugh, like Seinfeld, Modern Family, and The Big Bang Theory.  They seem to have Cops and Cops Reloaded on a lot.  I like to watch that because it is entertaining to see how stupid criminals are, how they lie so much even though the cops don't believe a word.  Do they think cops are stupid or what?  It makes me appreciate more of what the cops do.  It is a thankless job, especially nowadays.  They put their life on the line everyday for little money.  Like soldiers, they deserve the respect that they more than earned.  But I will get off my soapbox now. 

I guess I just feel better.  It is weird. When I get over a nervous breakdown I wonder am I really over it or is it just a nice, little, temporary respite?  I wait for the other shoe to drop.  I guess I didn't want to commit to anything as I felt such a doomsday feeling for a long time.  Maybe that is what grief does, makes you feel like you have nothing left, that nothing matters.  It is a scary feeling.  It is a nightmare that you can't wake out of.  It is a hell on earth that I wouldn't wish on anyone, except for terrorists of course! 

I guess I can only take it one day at time.  Appreciate the good days, the warm weather, the sunshine, and the laughs.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Love Wins

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Love wins.  Not judgment.  Not condemnation.  Not hate.  God's love.  God is love.  God first loved us so much that He sacrificed His Son for us so that we could have communion with Him.  It is not His judgment that saves us.  It is His love.

I have heard that mental illness is a sin.  Therefore all you need to is confess it and change your thinking in line with God's Word.  That is all well and good but if it were that easy I doubt people would choose mental illness. 

We don't choose it.  We feel tremendous guilt and shame for having it.  Loading the sin answer on us then telling us just to change our thinking is like telling a cat to think like a dog.  Impossible.

Of course nothing is impossible with God.  Sometimes He does choose to miraculously heal, like in Bible times.  But I think it was more common then as there was no other resource.  Not only that, Jesus healed people not just to prove that He was God, but that He loved those who were the untouchables of that day: disabled, mentally ill, prostitutes, and lepers.  God touched those that no one else would touch. 

But now we live in a time and place where there are many medical treatments for many medical disorders, like cancer, heart disease, the list goes on.  Logic dictates that medical advances can also help those of us with mental illness. 

The only people I can trust are those who validate me and this thinking. I will no longer listen to those who say it is sin.  I will no longer listen to those who judge me.  I judge myself enough thank you very much. 

I always say that those of us with disability and/or mental illness are the last minority.  We are disliked from all sides.  I think we scare people.  People fear that they may be part of our community one day.  No one wants a disability.  No one wants a mental illness.

God is love.  If we want to show the world who God is, and bring our country back to Him, it is not about rules.  It is not about living the right way or being the right kind of person.  It is about loving our neighbor as ourselves.  This is a lot harder than telling people how to live their lives. I can speak from experience.  It is a lot harder to love someone who hates me.

Loving people is the greatest challenge that God has entrusted to us.   But it does not mean allowing people to manipulate us or disrespect our boundaries.  It is loving people where they are at, right here, right now.  It is not saying better get yourself right before you join our church.  It is saying come to our church!  We love you!  We welcome you!  Warts and all! 

That's how I felt at my church.  I felt loved and welcomed for the first time in a long time from a group of Christians.  They didn't preach the rules or tell me how to live.  I knew what was right and wrong.  I had known all that for a long time.  But I had no experience of God's love.  It was a concept that was beyond me. 

I am so thankful for the lovely ladies in my Bible study group.  They demonstrate God's love to me.  My family demonstrates it.  My pets demonstrated it.  These people always comment positively on my blog, and I so appreciate it.  I think we all need that.  We all need to know we are loved, we are welcomed.  Especially now, when we live in such a divisive world, politically and religiously.  We live in a world of the internet that people use to spread their hate. 

It is love that breaks the human heart.  It is love that makes the eyes weep.  It is love that makes our lives worth living.

P.S. A new app for those with mental illness and those for loved ones with mental illness available free for apple and android products.  It is nami air and it is an online, anonymous support system. 

P.P.S. The title of this post is from Rob Bell's enlightening book Love Wins.  I know it is controversial, but you know what Dr. Phil always says, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!  None of us has all the answers and if we think we do we are sorely mistaken.