Last week was hell for me. I had insomnia, an IBS attack, and hot flashes due to perimenopause. I felt like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I was so anxious and depressed, I lost all desire for my job. Which was weird as I love my job. But I was anxious about some things, and my work schedule was not its usual schedule. It just seemed like the Bermuda Triangle to trap my mind in a helpless, hellish state. This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, wow. And there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to live through it. No pill, no prayer, no meditation on Scripture can stop it. I just have to live through it. It is hard to be patient though, and I freak out at times, making rash decisions and feeling like a failure.
I struggle with this as in some Christian circles, they don't believe in psychotropic medications, or don't believe that Christians can have mental illnesses. It's almost like the Scientology way of thinking. But I am living proof, and many others, that meds can help, therapy can help, and Christians can have mental illness! I have always had these episodes, which usually only happen once a year, but I am thankful I have my parents to help me through it, and that I don't have to be institutionalized for it. Not that I don't believe that institutions can help, they can. But if you have a family or friends to help you through it, and a safe place to do so, so much the better.
Some people might think that I am being blasphemous for saying that no amount of prayer or scripture can help me. I'd like to tell them to walk in my shoes. Then they will see that I am not lying, nor am I rebelling against God. I am just human. I am like Paul who asked God to heal him of some weakness, but God instead allowed it to continue, saying that His power is revealed in our weaknesses. I think that is what happens sometimes. I know I forget how much I need God, and I start to feel prideful and judgmental, thinking, yay, no more problems! And bam, there they come like a hurricane. And like hurricanes, you have to live through them. And after a while, life gets better, life gets more normal. The hurricane doesn't kill me, but reminds me of my immortality, and reminds me of God's love, and that His love is fierce.
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