Friday, February 13, 2015

Mental Illness #2

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I thank those of you who have supported me through this time, and those of you who have positively commented on my blog.  I find out who truly loves and supports me when I am honest and real about what I am thinking and feeling.  It is not easy.  I feel alone sometimes, not really sure where I fit in, what I am supposed to believe, what I am supposed to do.  I guess I just felt like letting it go and just thinking what I am thinking and feeling what I am feeling.  I am tired of pretending that everything is hunky-dory when it is not.  I am tired of listening to those voices that want to judge me and condemn me because they obviously don't know what it is like to be me.   I don't really expect people to know what it is like to be me.  I don't know what it's like to be them.  But I do know that nevertheless, I need love and support.  Too long I have listened to the legalistic voices that condemn me.  I have always had an overly strong guilty conscience, and I am extremely sensitive to legalism, as I have been hurt by it before, and it still has a power over me when I feel weak and less than perfect.  I feel a constant sense of disappointment in myself, like whatever I do is never enough.  It is a hell that I don't wish on anyone, well, maybe the terrorists!

Above is a list of famous people who had mental illness.  It says that they enrich our lives. I don't know about that but I do appreciate the contributions that Lincoln, Churchill, Michelangelo, Van Gogh, and more have made.  I don't know how they did it if they struggled so.  It also kind of makes me feel even less enriching as I haven't done anything spectacular as them.  But as I have told others, most of us are regular folks with regular lives that maybe never get known to the world but are greatly appreciated by the ones around us.

I do appreciate the mental illness group that I go to through nami.  It helps to be reminded that I am not alone, that others struggle as I do.  It's kind of depressing as I see others who are suffering and I feel for them. But it helps to be heard.  Like Judge Judy says, "you have two ears and one mouth!"  Such a wise woman.  But I wouldn't want to be in her court.  I would be scared out of my pants. 

Well, I guess that's it today.  I hope I remembered everything that I wanted to say.  I do so appreciate those of you who read my postings and tell me how much you liked them.  A writer needs constant affirmations I think.  We toil in anonymity, hoping against all hope that maybe someday, somewhere, our books would be on a shelf. 

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