Thursday, February 26, 2015

Why you gotta be so mean?
I just finished two books that helped me with my grief and anxiety.  One was The Grief Recovery Method for Pet Loss.  It gave me concrete steps to take to complete my relationship with Chocolate.  The second is Embracing the Fear.  What it means is to allow the anxiety to happen.  It made sense to me as when I was anxious, I tried to fight it and failed, which made me feel more anxious.  Thus it snowballed to where I would panic.
Before I go on my main topic, I just wanted to share what I have done lately to help.
Lately I have been bothered by meanness on the internet, all of it.  It is so easy to say what we want and act all anonymous about it, not caring who's feelings we hurt.  I saw this during the measles outbreak.  Some of the pro-vac people were rather violent towards the anti-vac people, even telling them they should go to jail or be shot, and calling them names that I won't repeat here.  I don't know why I bothered but I responded to one of those posts, trying to be reasonable and fair to both sides.  Lot good that did. 
I guess lately I am tired of mean people.  I am tired of listening to the voices of long ago telling me what they think I should do or say.  I am tired of the shoulds.  I am tired of people attacking others for having a difference of opinion.  I am tired of people not supporting others when they are at their lowest.  I am tired of living in a world where to be so vastly different from others that I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  Why do I feel the feelings of others?  Why have I allowed others to control me?  No more!  I am not going to care what others think anymore! 
But I can still be respectful and not mean.  I know what it's like to be different from the norm.  But no matter how I try, I will still have a crooked spine.  I will still have bouts of anxiety and depression.  I will still struggle as we live in a fallen world with fallen people, and I am having to deal with them everyday.  But I will not resort to meanness. 
I edited this posting because I realized I was venting and basically TMI (too much info).  I am supposed to get my period this weekend and all hell kind of breaks loose when it is about to pounce.  I am sorry if anyone read this post before I edited it.  I have been angry and bitter for some time in general and I just need to let it go.  Anger doesn't help me, and it doesn't hurt them.  All it seems to do is make me miserable.

I hate having my periods and it's effect on me.  I become more anxious and depressed, the world is doomed, and I just want to trample on everyone like a dinosaur.  I become more unpleasant to live with, even to the point of disgusting myself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I hope that I am a good person and that I don't hurt people.  But who knows if they don't tell me.  I can't read minds.  But then I don't tell them either.  I don't like confrontation.  It never seems to work out well.  At least in my case.  Oh, well, I just like to come home, watch my favorite TV shows, play Covet Fashion on my smartphone, and curl up in my warm and cozy bed. 
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