Israel

A few weeks ago I went to Israel.  I had wanted to go for a long time, and I finally got up the gumption to get up and go during our Polar Vortex we had in late January.  This was a trip of how God took care of me.

I was worried about so many things.  I feared a snowstorm on the way there, and since I had a layover in Canada, I feared a snowstorm there as well.  There were no storms.  I worried about being on the plane, I always do.  The most nerve wracking parts for me are the takeoff and landing.  But all was smooth.  I worried about the flight (12 hours!), but even though I didn't sleep, I kept myself busy watching movies with closed captioning (yay!) and reading my book.  A special bonus: in Canada: while I  was enjoying my Starbucks, I met 2 couples who were also going to Israel, and they were from the Moorhead area, where I went to college!  Small world.

I worried about the first day, since there was nothing planned on the tour.  But I met some nice, friendly people on the tour and had lunch with them at the hotel.  I worried about my sleeping pills, if they would actually help.  But they did.  I worried about the wrist brace I bought for my sore wrist to use when I was in bed.  But it helped too.  It helped so much I kept using it since I've been home.  

The first day we went to the Dead Sea.  It was the weirdest experience I ever had.  I felt like a cork, I literally could not sink.  But it was not relaxing.  I can't float normally, so it was scary.  But I met some more nice, friendly people on my tour.  And God took care of me.  

We also went to Masada, which was the last place the Jews were overtaken by the Roman Empire at 70 A.D.  We took a cable car to the top of the mountain, where Herod had built a fortress 2,000 years ago.  Here the Jews committed mass suicide instead of being enslaved by the Romans.  We had a great tour guide who taught us so much I wish I could remember.  Nevertheless, it was a lot of climbing up and down and all around the fortress.  But God still took care of me.  

The Struggle is Real

I finished watching my "The Struggle is Real" videos by Nicole Unice.  She talked about trust, which I addressed last week.  I said I have a hard time trusting in God's love for me.  I have no doubts about His existence, but I don't feel His love.  Now that I think of it, I feel as if I am deranged.  How can I doubt Him when He has proven His love for me time and time again?  How much more does He have to do for me to get it?  

Nicole also said, "our past impacts our future but it doesn't have to direct our future."  That is so true.  Just because something happened in the past, it doesn't mean it will happen again.  And if it does, so what?  I survived it then and I will survive it now.  

Word have such power, and even the tone of such words.   What I say to myself in my heart comes out in my words to the world.  So even though I think no one can read my thoughts, maybe they can in a way.  I wonder about that, if people can read my thoughts.  Not in a clairvoyant way, or a paranoid way.  But I know I do not have a poker face.  I have been thinking about that, and thinking I need to clean up my thoughts, and have a more loving attitude towards my fellow man.  As I always say, it is so much easier to be judgmental but it is so hard to be loving.

Sometimes I think I doubt God's love because things don't always go my way, or bad things happen.  But that's life.  And God can use those things, if nothing else, to teach us what really matters in life.  And that is people.  

On a personal note, I think I have ulnar impaction syndrome, where my ulnar, the bone on the side of the pinky, is longer than the radius, the bone on the side of the thumb, and it rubs against the wrist bones.  We've tried everything else so I think surgery is next.  I have to wait until the end of this month to find out what!  But the good news is I'm going to Israel next month!  I've always wanted to go, but never got around to it.  The polar vortex last week sent me over the edge and got me off my butt.  

Struggle

I like this picture.  The dog is cute, and it looks as confused as I do about life in general.

I am reading a book called "The Struggle is Real" by Nicole Unice.  It talks about how we struggle daily in our lives between the ideal and reality.  I know I do.  I want things to be ideal but I live in the real.  We struggle because we don't have wisdom, which the Bible says comes from believing in God; believing that He is all-powerful.  I have to make a choice of whether I am going to believe God is omnipotent or not.  This choice is a choice between life and death.  There is no hope if I am not going to believe in God.  All the things in this world can't give me what I really want, what I really need.  And that is life. 

I have a hard time accepting and feeling God's love for me. I know He loves me intellectually, but most of the time I don't feel it.  But I know it is me that stands in the way of His love.  I have a wall of mistrust that stands between Him and most people on earth.  And if I want to have life, I have to let those walls fall down.  I know the truth of the Bible, but has it transformed me?  In some ways it has.  Although I still struggle with mistrust, I no longer hate the world or feel like the word owes me. 

I have a hard time forgiving myself.  I have forgiven some people in my life; it helps to try to understand things from their perspective. Finally, God has set me free from condemnation,  for as it says in the Bible, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  

This is what I have reflected on so far from this book.  On another note, I hate this feeling of being in limbo, of living in pain and having to wait for the cortisone shots to kick in, and of having to wait for another job to add to my existing one.  I know I need to be thankful, but sometimes it is hard to be patient!  I guess that's why I am so hard on myself, why I press myself so much.  I can't relax, and if I see a problem I want to fix it.  But there are some things I can't fix, many things actually.  And I will have to choose to trust the One who made me.  

Love

As you can see I finished my painting and got it framed.  In case you forgot, beloved is what my name, Amy, means.  I used to hate my name until I found out what it meant. I think I thought it was too boring.  

I have been thinking about love lately.  I have been thinking about how spiritual gifts, ones that are listed in  the Bible, are bestowed on us through the Holy Spirit.  I used to think that my gifts were for me.  But later I learned that the gifts are for others.  They are a way for us to love God and others.  It reminds me of those verses in the Bible, in I Cor. 13, of how these gifts are great to have and use, but if love isn't in the center of them, then they are useless.  

I also thought about encouragement.  It is so easy to be negative sometimes, I know it is for me.  I often think negative thoughts, and sometimes speak negative words.  And I regret them now.  I know that a negative word is as intense as surgery without anesthesia.  But a positive word is like a sunny day or a hot bath.  It has been said that it takes so many positive words to counteract one negative one.  That is so true.  Negative words sting and take away your hope.

Finally,  I thought about the 5 love languages, popularized by Gary Chapman.  We respond to different avenues of love.  Some people respond to loving words, while others respond to loving actions, and so forth.  I always say talk is cheap.  But then I am contradicting myself when I just got done writing about how a negative word can steal hope!  Nevertheless, love can be demonstrated in various ways, not just words and actions, but also time, gifts, and serving.  It is helpful to know how people respond so we can show love in a way that is meaningful for them.  

I know this is a weird combination about love, but I think that there could always be more love in the world.  No matter how great we may have it, it is too easy to judge others.  I know I do, and I regret that as well. I think it's because it is hard for me to receive love and compliments.  I've always been so hard on myself.  But I am trying to feel good about myself.  Like I am quite pleased about my painting above.  It's not perfect, but I like it and I have it hanging in my bedroom.  

It's a Wonderful Life

Two days ago I went to a funeral for a friend's father.  I was nervous about going as I wondered if I would know anybody, and I always get nervous that I am going to say or do the wrong thing.  It was the church that I went to when I was a teen, and I hadn't been back there since except for another funeral.  

But I was worried for nothing.  I saw a lot of people that I knew, and they were all so nice and welcoming.   They seemed genuinely happy to see me.  And I was happy to see them.  I had forgotten what community felt like, and when I do get to experience it, it is like a waterfall of grace washing over me.  Even though I had some issues with the church, it was and still is the people who give it light.  They truly are the light of the world, as it says in the Bible.

And I was impressed by the stories about my friend's father.  I knew him, I used to go to my friend's house a lot when we were growing up.  In fact, she is the one who told me about Jesus.  I loved to go to their house with their family of many fun-loving sisters and one brother, and a cat and a dog.  It was an old house full of curious nooks and crannies that I liked to explore.  The family was also so friendly and welcoming to me, I even felt a part of it.  

And hearing these many stories and seeing all the many people at the funeral, I came to realize that my friend's father made a difference in many people's lives.  It reminded me of one of my favorite movies, It's a Wonderful Life, and how like George in the movie, my friend's father had many friends and helped many people.  George was rich because he had friends, and so was this father. 

It reminded me that that's what life is about, people.  And making a difference in their lives.  We read about these great people who do great things.  But most of us are rather ordinary, just living our everyday lives.  But maybe that's what it's all about.  Making a difference where you are at, using what gifts you have been given.  

I hope I remember this always, especially when I am anxious or depressed.  I hope I remember that's what life is about, making a difference even in our own small ways.

A New Year

This new year I am going to once and for all do something for the pain in my arm.  I am also going to look for another job to add to the one I have.  So that is what is new. And I would like to go on a trip, I don't know where and when.  

It hurts so much to  type, actually, it hurts all the time.  I hope the surgery and recovery won't  be so bad.  I will find out this Wed.  

And I need to work more.  I don't like having all this free time.  It makes me depressed and bored.  I need a regular schedule.  So I will begin again the arduous process of applying and interviewing for jobs.  I just can't sit around watching TV.  Besides, there's nothing on.

My last picture that I drew I am getting framed.  I wrote beloved on it as that is what my name means.  I am beloved by God.  

I will still go to art until I get a job.  And I will still go to Bible study, if it still is in existence.  

And I will still work on my writing.  

So that is it for me.  I am at a loss as to what to write here.  During the break, at night, I got inspired by ideas.  Now I am going to write them down.  I seem to be inspired at the most inopportune times.   But I got a journal and pens for Christmas so maybe that is a suggestion for me to keep something with me.  I just like the nights, before bed.  Maybe because I like to be in bed.  I'm hoping that if the pain goes away I will be less tired.  

Since I have no ideas now, what would you like me to write about?  Anything goes.  Well, almost anything.  

Third Artwork

This is my 3rd piece of artwork.  It is an ink and watercolor paint picture.  I finished it at home as the art school had its usual break this month.  The breaks bum me out as I want to keep working on my art and yet have instant feedback.  But they have classes for 8 weeks and then have a break for 5 weeks.  So I took it home and it didn't turn out as I had hoped, I think it is too pale.  And I don't know what to do with the white space in the middle.  It was a picture from a fairy tale book, where this picture was the title page of each story.  I'd like to hang it up in my home but I don't know what to put in the middle.  What do you think?

This night I was supposed to go to a Bible study that I joined 2 weeks ago.  It is only the 2 leaders and I so far.  It is called a medical miracle group, as we have all had medical problems and persevered through them.  I am just getting to know them and now we won't meet again until after the new year.  And their group only meets an hour instead of the usual 2 hours.  At least it is every week instead of every other week.  It was the only group that fit my schedule and my specs.  So needless to say I am bored.  I think I may look for more work after the new year.  This working 2 nights a week is the pits.  What do you think?