As I read Jenny Hill's blog post: http://jwalkinguphill.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-wilderness-of-singleness.html, I smiled and cried at being able to relate to her singleness. I spent 40 years bemoaning my singleness and childlessness. I hated when speakers and writers assume that everyone has dated. Even a few weeks ago when I sought out college friends on facebook and learned that they have spent the last 20 years in marriage and parenthood, I wondered what the heck have I been doing the last 20 years?
Now I feel better. Those few weeks ago was right after my fun yet stressful trip to Disneyworld, and recovering from a period. Yay those fun periods. A useless waste of money on personal products for me. I hope to go through menopause soon as to hopefully not have such rollercoaster emotions every month.
But I digress. In college when my friends were happily dating and living a normal life, I felt I had failed God somehow. I had the impression from legalistic systems that if I had enough faith, if I loved God enough, He would send someone to me. Now I look at that and think how naïve I was to believe it for so long. I wasted so many years wanting what I can't have. I felt like God owed me. I hated men and their ways, what I couldn't figure out. They were and still are a mystery to me.
But over time I began to see that marriage doesn't make people happy. Parenthood doesn't make people happy. I do love God and have faith. But for whatever reason, I am single and childless.
I am actually usually pretty happy about this. I look at others how they always have to check in with their husbands before they can do anything. How their troubles are doubled in marriage. How they think the man is the head and the final decider. I can't abide by that. I am smart and independent. I just can't have that kind of relationship. It has to be equal, mutual sacrifice.
I don't want to pass on my problems to my kids. Life is hard enough these days without adding more problems, which in my case could very well be depression, anxiety, etc. I see others with kids and the constant worry, and I am relieved to come home to peace and a cat.
I accepted my reality. I am single and childless. Unemployed and rent. But that is OK! Right here, right now, this is where I am supposed to be. I volunteer in teaching and helping animals. I write. I have a full life. With a job I would never have energy for anything else. With a house I would have no energy for anything else. So here is where I am and I finally like myself. I like who I am. I like I am smart and funny. I am a good teacher. I know a ton of trivial crap. I love animals. I love Barbies. I love to travel and learn about other cultures. I respect myself enough to eat well and exercise. It is OK I am different. My niece tells me I am so weird sometimes when I act goofy. I tell her at least I'm not boring!
I love me. Finally. After 40 years.