I hate fall. I hate how the leaves fall off the trees and make them bare. I hate how the sun does not shine and the nights come much too early. I hate how cold it gets, the wind blowing through my clothes as if I was wearing nothing at all.
I ask myself again, why do I live in this state?
But then again, I am also experiencing PMS, and the time change. Even though I get an extra hour of sleep, it throws me off.
And Thursday and Friday strange people will come into my home and tear up carpeting and put down laminate. My home will be in disarray for a few days. That freaks me out.
And I hope to adopt a new cat this weekend. But what if I don't find one I like?
And I miss Chocolate. The other morning I swear I could feel him walking around on my bed. Every morning I wake up I expect to see him in the hallway, walking towards me meowing for his food.
Every time I come home I expect to see him curled up in his favorite bed under the Christmas tree.
But he is not there. He is never there anymore.
I burst into tears at any time, especially when I read something or see something on TV that makes me sad.
This grief I feel is sometimes so overwhelming that my heart aches and I wonder if I will ever love another cat like I loved Chocolate.
Even though we had our challenges, we had a relationship. I loved him, and he loved me.
Every night I went to bed I said good night to him and closed my eyes slowly. He did the same. A non-verbal communication that demonstrated trust.
He trusted me, and I trusted him.
I just miss him so much. I guess I just thought it wouldn't be so painful. Maybe its the period talking. Maybe its the fall talking. Whatever it is, I just want it to end. I want sunny days. I want a cat to sit on my lap and sleep on my bed. I just want to stop crying so much.