Tuesday, December 29, 2015

New Years's Day

This holiday has always been anti-climactic for me.  It is just another day, except for the change in  my TV viewing schedule.  I never make resolutions as winter is the worst time for me, and holidays are also not a good time for me to make decisions.  Here, my schedule is messed up and I feel all out of sorts, not having a plan every day.  Needless to say, I am not a fly-by-night person.  

This was a most difficult year so far for me.  The worst was my dad falling.  It took 6 months of 3 weeks of traction, major surgery, 1 week in hospital, and a month in various nursing homes.  My dad is OK now, but he still uses his cane, even though he is not supposed to.  I think he is scared he will fall again.  I don't blame him.  I would be scared of that too.  I think it was the most horrible time in his life too.

I also had 6 months of pain in my arm and hand.  I have had 4 sessions of trigger point dry needling, which hurt like hell, the worst pain I have ever experienced.  But it helped.  But the pain is coming back, I hope not for good.  I guess we will just have to see.  

I still miss my cat, Chocolate.  It has gotten easier though, and not so painful.  This Christmas was a lot easier.  But I fear trying to adopt another pet.  I am such a light sleeper, but if I don't get enough sleep, I am depressed and anxious.  

I am also still going to school for ABE/ESL certification.  I hope to have enough credits in May to sub.  Although I fear leaving my volunteering will be hard.  I will so miss the staff and especially the students.  I have come to care for them and enjoy helping them.  But, I am tired of being unemployed.  They say it doesn't define me, but I can't help feeling like a loser being unemployed and unpublished.

I also have no new relationships in my life.  Just my family, my KFS group, and 2 childhood friends.  But they are busy and have their own lives, and I understand that.  We have gone our different ways.  I was too dependent, as I don't know how to make or keep friends.  Besides, I have my family, and they keep me busy.

But sometimes when I am in the throes of my period, I feel lonely and alone, and wish I had someone to share my life with.  I wish I had someone who believed I was beautiful, and worth it.  Someone who doesn't try to change me but accepts me as I am, and appreciate those parts of me.  I don't know why it's so hard.  I just can't seem to attract a mate.  It's like I have the plague.  I don't just look and sound weird, but I also struggle with anxiety and depression, which men don't seem to want to deal with.  I don't either, but I have it so I have to.  I have both disability and mental illness.  And I have to deal with it.  And sometimes it can be exhausting.  Even so, I still want a "normal" life, and when I can't seem to attain it, when I fail, I just get more and more discouraged.

I usually don't talk about all this much.  It makes people uncomfortable, and I don't want to upset them.  I don't expect people to fix it, I know they can't.  I just want people to hear it, and realize that this is my reality.  This is what I have to live with.

So no, I make no resolutions.  I know I have no control over my life.  I can't make a man like me, I can't straighten my spine, fix my nose, fix my brain, and fix my upper body.  I can't make people hire me, and I can't make people like me.  I am what I am and I am certainly not God.  Sometimes I think I would like to be, but still, people wouldn't like me when they don't get their way.  Because we just don't sometimes.  Because that is life.  

So no, I don't like New Year's Day.  It is an end to that magical season of Christmas, and a reminder of my futile attempts at trying to be "normal."  

I hope next week is a more cheerful topic.  Maybe I am this way because I am in PMS.  What stupid things these hormones.  Especially as I don't plan on getting pregnant!  The hormones mess me up!  How useless!  

I hope I don't upset my family the most.  Sometimes I think it is worse on the parents than their children, as the parents can't fix it.  They want to be strong and they hope for everything for their children, but sometimes it is not to be.  And they have to accept that, like I do, even though they, nor I, want to.  I guess we just have to try to see the good in things.  And appreciate life as it is.  For I am rather spoiled, with a great family, my own home, education, travels, pets, and health, such as it is.  I am not a woman in a third world country, suffering so horribly as they do, with no rights, no education, and no hope.  


Sarah said...

I'm so sorry that things are difficult, Amy. One of our sons struggles with anxiety and it's painful for him. So, I think that I understand a little bit. Praying that you will be able to see yourself the way that God sees you. You are truly beautiful!

amyjean1010 said...

Thank you so much for your kind comments! It helps a lot to know that there are others out there who understand and can handle hearing this without getting angry at me for trying to be real. Thank you for your prayers!