Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Advent: Joy

I assume this final week is about joy.  I follow 3 other bloggers who also are writers, and seeing their success makes me sad and feeling jealous, I have to admit.  I was not successful in my 10-year foray into this most murky of professions.  I get tired of trying and failing, trying and failing, and trying and failing in all aspects of my life: in relationships and career.

I was feeling great until I read my fellow bloggers' posts for this week.  I know I shouldn't feel this way.  I should feel thankful for what I have.  But then again, there is that word, "should," which should (!) not be part of my vocabulary, coming from such a legalistic background!  

Maybe I am just tired.  Maybe I am just out of sorts because my schedule is different these 2 weeks.  Being out of my routine, throws me off.  Relationships continue to baffle and repulse me (quote from Sheldon Cooper from "Big Bang Theory!")  Actually, they don't repulse me.  I just can't seem to keep them.  I seek them out but find no one, or only the ones that eventually hurt me.  But I guess, that is typical, people are not perfect, I hurt, as others hurt.  We all hurt each other, especially the ones we love.

I guess I compare my life to movies or TV shows, even though they are terribly unrealistic.  I mean, who looks that good all the time?  You never see them on the toilet.  Do fictional characters never go potty?  I know this is weird.  Maybe I spend too much time thinking.  

I live a life of fear.  I fear I will fail in my latest career venture.  I fear I will forever be single and lonely.  I fear I will never be able to tolerate another pet.  Change is just so hard.  I get used to things, and change throws me off and I feel on the edge of a precipice.

But usually, usually, I am happy,  Especially now as I love Christmas, the pain of losing Chocolate is dimming, my dad is healed, my arm is healed.

I live in the greatest country on earth.  I like myself, the way I look, that I am smart, and that I can write, even if few others think so.  I love that I am a good teacher.  I love helping immigrants learn to speak our complicated language.  

I love to read and am thankful I can read.  I love the internet, TV, music, and movies.  I love animals, wild and domestic.  I love art and history.

I think I am an interesting, smart, and funny person.  It really puzzles me why I can't seem to attract a mate.  I am not a typical woman though.  Maybe that turns people off.  I guess it is a miracle that my parents met each other.  Neither of them are typical, yet they met, fell in love, and have been married 55 years.

I guess I just wish I could have gone further in my writing.  I tried so hard.  It is hard to see what you work so hard for fail so miserably.  

But as they say, I have to brush myself off and get back on the horse.  I have to keep trying to do something with my life.  I just am tired of failing.

Well, I guess this post isn't much about joy!  Especially when a neighbor's dog keeps barking in the hallway driving me nuts.  But I guess the point of joy is finding the good even when life sucks.  Because I do have a family, a home, an education, memories, and freedom.  

I am safe and healthy.  And most of all, I am saved by the grace of God, through Jesus Christ.  Even in the midst of my failure, God still loves me.  He still see the beauty in me, because He created me.  And everything I love is because of Him.  I wouldn't be here without Him.  He orchestrated my life so that I could be here, at this time, in this place.  

I think most of us lead pretty ordinary lives.  Most of us aren't celebrities.  Most of us are struggling with something, something bigger than us.  We go through each day just trying to figure out why we are here in the first place.  

I think every life has a story, every life has a purpose, a meaning.  It may look boring or ordinary to others.  But it is not to God.  Life is a gift. I don't want to waste it feeling sorry for myself, feeling things that waste my time and energy.

I just want to enjoy it.  That's what Joy is about.  Living life as a gift from God.

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