Friday, October 9, 2015

Upheaval


I painted this picture of Chocolate last week at Cheers Pablo.  At first I was so bummed out by it because I thought Chocolate looked more like a raccoon.  But as the days wear on and I see it hanging in my bathroom, it is growing on me and I am able to see Chocolate in it.  He did look like he had eyeliner on in real life.  So I am glad I did it.

I still miss him.  Sometimes when I come home I forget he's not going to be there to greet me at the door.  It'll be a year this Sunday.  Because I have been having such a hard time letting go, I am going to go to the pet support group coming Monday.  I didn't for so long as I already volunteer teaching ESL Monday nights, but I realized I needed to do this for me.

I also joined a Bible study group at my church, and am loving it!  So glad to be back among fellow Bible bangers (ha-ha).  But really it is about experiencing the love of God through His people.  Which is what I sorely need right now.

As usual, I have been hard on myself.  I expect the best and when I can't deliver, for whatever reason, I feel like such a failure, or a loser.  Last week I got a cortisone shot in my elbow, as my arm and hand are still sore after 5 months, and PT didn't help.  The shot didn't help either.  In fact, I couldn't sleep and my anxiety went through the roof.  I dropped one of my ASD/ESL classes that I was taking online because I was freaking out.

But now that the side effects have worn off, I am glad I dropped it.  I got my money back, and it won't go on my record.  In taking the two classes I wouldn't have had time for anything else.  And the pain was killing me.  The pain is worst when I am typing.  So I dropped it and decided to take care of myself.

In  about 10 days my dad will have his hip replacement surgery.  He is in a lot of pain and needs to just get it done.  I hate to see my parents grow old.  I worry about them.  I know they worry about me.
It never seems to end, does it?  But I guess that's what love is, worrying about the people you love.  I know some people think it's bad to worry, but some of us just can't seem to help it.  I come from a long line of worriers!

My setback actually was a blessing in disguise.  I think God was trying to get my attention, and it seems to have to take a major upheaval, not a soft whisper, for me.  I was mad at God for a while. I think all that happened this summer, with my dad and me and our injuries, I was mad, stupidly.  But when I got that cortisone shot, it seemed to have jolted me out of my funk.  I just gave up fighting.  I seem to fight God a lot, like Jacob.  But eventually, so far, I stop and life goes on.

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