Friday, October 9, 2015
I painted this picture of Chocolate last week at Cheers Pablo. At first I was so bummed out by it because I thought Chocolate looked more like a raccoon. But as the days wear on and I see it hanging in my bathroom, it is growing on me and I am able to see Chocolate in it. He did look like he had eyeliner on in real life. So I am glad I did it.
I still miss him. Sometimes when I come home I forget he's not going to be there to greet me at the door. It'll be a year this Sunday. Because I have been having such a hard time letting go, I am going to go to the pet support group coming Monday. I didn't for so long as I already volunteer teaching ESL Monday nights, but I realized I needed to do this for me.
I also joined a Bible study group at my church, and am loving it! So glad to be back among fellow Bible bangers (ha-ha). But really it is about experiencing the love of God through His people. Which is what I sorely need right now.
As usual, I have been hard on myself. I expect the best and when I can't deliver, for whatever reason, I feel like such a failure, or a loser. Last week I got a cortisone shot in my elbow, as my arm and hand are still sore after 5 months, and PT didn't help. The shot didn't help either. In fact, I couldn't sleep and my anxiety went through the roof. I dropped one of my ASD/ESL classes that I was taking online because I was freaking out.
But now that the side effects have worn off, I am glad I dropped it. I got my money back, and it won't go on my record. In taking the two classes I wouldn't have had time for anything else. And the pain was killing me. The pain is worst when I am typing. So I dropped it and decided to take care of myself.
In about 10 days my dad will have his hip replacement surgery. He is in a lot of pain and needs to just get it done. I hate to see my parents grow old. I worry about them. I know they worry about me.
It never seems to end, does it? But I guess that's what love is, worrying about the people you love. I know some people think it's bad to worry, but some of us just can't seem to help it. I come from a long line of worriers!
My setback actually was a blessing in disguise. I think God was trying to get my attention, and it seems to have to take a major upheaval, not a soft whisper, for me. I was mad at God for a while. I think all that happened this summer, with my dad and me and our injuries, I was mad, stupidly. But when I got that cortisone shot, it seemed to have jolted me out of my funk. I just gave up fighting. I seem to fight God a lot, like Jacob. But eventually, so far, I stop and life goes on.