Monday, June 8, 2015

Facing Reality

My dad is getting off traction today, and the docs will decide what to do next.  I can't imagine what it was like for him, being immobile for three weeks, having to depend on people he doesn't know.  He is a man that depends on very few, because he trusts very few.  Running a business for so many years you meet a lot of people that make you wonder if this country is going to hell in a hand basket.

I laid on his bed yesterday and cried, just wanting him home, just wanting him the way he was.  Will he be like he was?  Or is he forever changed?  Is our lives forever changed?  When my grandparents died, it wasn't their death that I grieved but what their lives were before they moved out of their little yellow rambler.  I still dream of that house, the basement that my cousin Kris and I used to play in.  I still think of the many holidays we spent there, the many nights of sleeping in the couch, drifting off to sleep with the muted sounds of the television and the little Christmas lights on the little white flocked tree siloutted against the picture window.  That is what I grieved, that those memories would be all that I would have left, for there would be no more holidays in that little yellow house.  

Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill, as I tend to do, but I don't like this.  I don't like change.  I don't want to see my parents get old and feeble.  I want them to be forever strong, active, happy, lively.

It's the same feeling I had when Chocolate died.  It wasn't his death that I grieved, but his life, that would no longer be.  No longer would he go for walks, play with his toys, or climb his climber.

I just don't want to lose anymore.  I love my parents too much, I depend on them too much.  There is so much loss in life.  It is hard to love anew, again, for I know that nothing lasts.

I am sorry for such a depressing blog.  Maybe I am ovulating.  Maybe I am tired.  Maybe I am bored. Maybe I miss my home.  I don't like the not knowing.  I just want my dad home.  I just want life to be back to normal.

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