Conclusion

This past weekend my carpet was removed and the laminate was put down.  It was quite a procedure having to move all my crap from one end of my apartment to the other, especially when the last day it was just my mom and dad as my brother-in-law got into a car accident and was unable to help anymore.  He's ok now.


The next day I took home the cat I thought I wanted.  For four days I could not sleep. I would fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in the middle of the night.  Then I would lie awake with thoughts running through my head until it was time to get up.  If I don't get enough sleep I am a basket case.  It's like the worst period I ever had. 


I don't know why I couldn't sleep.   All I know is that I couldn't keep the cat.  After two days I brought her back, sobbing and wracked with guilt.  I know the animal humane society doesn't put a time limit on pets, but I still felt terrible for making such a selfish choice in the first place.


I should have not adopted her, like the dog.  During the last year of Chocolate's life I looked forward to the day I would adopt a dog.  That didn't work.  So I adopted a cat.  That didn't work either.  I berate myself on my inability to make wise decisions these days.  Instead I have acted impulsively and selfishly.  I never should have adopted either.  I should have given myself time to grieve.


I don't know if I will ever adopt again.  I feel like all my love was given to Chocolate and I don't have any left for any other animal.  It is easy to fall in love but the lasting love for commitment is far more taxing.  And I guess I was not ready for it.


Chocolate was the closest thing I'll ever have to a spouse or a child.  He was my best friend.  I was willing to help him with whatever problem he had, for I loved him, truly loved him enough to commit to that relationship. 


I feel dead sometimes, like my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Sometimes all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.  It is hard sometimes to keep busy, when I don't feel like doing the things I used to do.  I have to push myself to avoid going into an even greater depression. 


I suppose in time it will get easier.  I have lost pets before.  I lost my grandparents whom I loved dearly. I just sometimes feel very alone.


I know I am not but you know the feeling is there.  I think I was too dependent on Chocolate.  I looked to him to fill me, instead of Jesus, who is the only One who can.