Thanksgiving

I so enjoy looking at memes on the internet.  I really needed this laugh after my pseudo-nap where I sobbed because I missed my kitty.

My sister helped me put up my Christmas decorations today.  After she left I intended to take a nap but for some reason, I guess because this will be my first Christmas without Chocolate, I started to cry.

I had intended to write today about the things I am thankful for, but them my grief got in the way and I started to feel sorry for myself.  Sad that Chocolate was gone.  Angry that he had to die.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I know life is not fair, but still, it is so hard to lose someone that I have loved for so long.  Someone who greeted every morning I woke up and every time I came home.  I just miss him and his beautiful face and his eyes that always looked at me as I looked at him.  It amazes me how animals know to look at the eyes. 

But I am thankful that I got to spend 18 years with him. I am thankful I helped him stop biting me.  I am thankful that he finally stopped trying to eat the tree.  I am thankful for all that I was able to do to make his life better.

But now that I think of other things going on in the world, I am thankful I live in a relatively safe place and in a country where I am free and considered equal.

I am thankful that I am free to worship Christ and not be persecuted. 

I am thankful that my dad worked hard all his life to provide for his family.

I am thankful that my mom makes such good food and desserts!

I am thankful that my sister Lisa and I get along and have fun together.

I am thankful to have a brother-in-law that accepts me as I am and is a good father and husband.

I am thankful for my niece Emily that we have fun together.  She is amazing in so many ways.  She is so beautiful inside and out.

I am thankful for the dogs that help me in my sorrow.

I am thankful for my humble home.  A warm bed to sleep in.  Food in the fridge and cupboards.  Clothes to keep me warm in this too-long winter.

I guess I have a pretty good life.  I traveled a lot, got a college education, had a career, had wonderful family, relatives, and friends. 

I guess I am pretty blessed.  I can read and write, when so many in the world cannot.  I can participate in my government when others cannot. 

I am so rich compared to much of the world.  I live in the greatest country in God's green earth.

And I have such brave men and women that continue to serve and sacrifice so that we can continue to have these great blessings.

God bless America!

What Do I Do?

Since I don't have a "real" job, I thought I'd write about what I do with my time.  I volunteer teaching English as a Second Language two nights a week with adults from all over the world.  Here I help the students learn English using the internet, and help out most beginning language learners. 

I also volunteer at the Animal Humane Society once a week in the adoption area. I help potential adopters meet their potential pets.  I also spend time with the cats and generally help keep the area organized.

Third I volunteer as a Mentor Coordinator for the Next Gen (youth program) at my church, Church of the Open Door.  There I mentor a group of three young adult women who then each mentor a junior high girl.  We meet once a month with our mentees and other mentor coordinators.

In the summers I also volunteer at the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in the aviary nursery.  I help take care of birds, feeding and changing their bedding, and generally keeping track of their health. They only have the nurseries open the summers, and it fills the time slot for when I don't have Bible study at my church in the summers. 

I also manage four websites.  This blog and an online support/community group that I manage for adults with Klippel-Feil syndrome (KFS).  If you don't know what KFS is you can go to my website about it: Klippel Feil Support.  This is a site about me and KFS.  People leave me questions about KFS, such as  parents, siblings, and medical professionals, of which I try to answer.  Potential members of my KFS group can leave their email address where I send them an invite to the group.  This support group is by invite from me only, and only adults with KFS can be in it. 

My last website is my dad's website about his 1932 Ford car collection: Deuce Heaven.  My dad and I created this site about his collection and Ford museum.  He knows car collectors from all over the world, has won awards for his restorations, and his collection has been published in multiple magazines.

As you know my "career" is writer.  I am working on three projects: a juvenile story, my memoir, and my cat Chocolate's memoir.  Who knows when or if they will ever be published.  I'm not really a "starving" artist as I live on a trust and am not starving.  But without my parent's money, I would be living with them.  So to them I am eternally grateful that I am able to do this without losing my sanity, which I have done numerous times over the years! 

Conclusion

This past weekend my carpet was removed and the laminate was put down.  It was quite a procedure having to move all my crap from one end of my apartment to the other, especially when the last day it was just my mom and dad as my brother-in-law got into a car accident and was unable to help anymore.  He's ok now.


The next day I took home the cat I thought I wanted.  For four days I could not sleep. I would fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in the middle of the night.  Then I would lie awake with thoughts running through my head until it was time to get up.  If I don't get enough sleep I am a basket case.  It's like the worst period I ever had. 


I don't know why I couldn't sleep.   All I know is that I couldn't keep the cat.  After two days I brought her back, sobbing and wracked with guilt.  I know the animal humane society doesn't put a time limit on pets, but I still felt terrible for making such a selfish choice in the first place.


I should have not adopted her, like the dog.  During the last year of Chocolate's life I looked forward to the day I would adopt a dog.  That didn't work.  So I adopted a cat.  That didn't work either.  I berate myself on my inability to make wise decisions these days.  Instead I have acted impulsively and selfishly.  I never should have adopted either.  I should have given myself time to grieve.


I don't know if I will ever adopt again.  I feel like all my love was given to Chocolate and I don't have any left for any other animal.  It is easy to fall in love but the lasting love for commitment is far more taxing.  And I guess I was not ready for it.


Chocolate was the closest thing I'll ever have to a spouse or a child.  He was my best friend.  I was willing to help him with whatever problem he had, for I loved him, truly loved him enough to commit to that relationship. 


I feel dead sometimes, like my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Sometimes all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.  It is hard sometimes to keep busy, when I don't feel like doing the things I used to do.  I have to push myself to avoid going into an even greater depression. 


I suppose in time it will get easier.  I have lost pets before.  I lost my grandparents whom I loved dearly. I just sometimes feel very alone.


I know I am not but you know the feeling is there.  I think I was too dependent on Chocolate.  I looked to him to fill me, instead of Jesus, who is the only One who can. 

I Hate Fall

I hate fall.  I hate how the leaves fall off the trees and make them bare.  I hate how the sun does not shine and the nights come much too early.  I hate how cold it gets, the wind blowing through my clothes as if I was wearing nothing at all.

I ask myself again, why do I live in this state?

But then again, I am also experiencing PMS, and the time change.  Even though I get an extra hour of sleep, it throws me off.

And Thursday and Friday strange people will come into my home and tear up carpeting and put down laminate.  My home will be in disarray for a few days.  That freaks me out.

And I hope to adopt a new cat this weekend.  But what if I don't find one I like? 

And I miss Chocolate.  The other morning I swear I could feel him walking around on my bed.  Every morning I wake up I expect to see him in the hallway, walking towards me meowing for his food.

Every time I come home I expect to see him curled up in his favorite bed under the Christmas tree.

But he is not there.  He is never there anymore.

I burst into tears at any time, especially when I read something or see something on TV that makes me sad.

This grief I feel is sometimes so overwhelming that my heart aches and I wonder if I will ever love another cat like I loved Chocolate.

Even though we had our challenges, we had a relationship.  I loved him, and he loved me. 

Every night I went to bed I said good night to him and closed my eyes slowly.  He did the same.  A non-verbal communication that demonstrated trust.

He trusted me, and I trusted him.

I just miss him so much.  I guess I just thought it wouldn't be so painful.  Maybe its the period talking.  Maybe its the fall talking.  Whatever it is, I just want it to end.  I want sunny days.  I want a cat to sit on my lap and sleep on my bed.  I just want to stop crying so much.