Doubt

"We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who have been called according to His purpose." Rom. 8:28


The last Bible study we started to memorize this verse, using actions again.  I had two weeks to memorize this, since there was no study last week (snow, what a surprise!) which helped. 


I struggle with verses like this at times because I tend to be a negative Nellie like my dad instead of a Positive Polly like my mom and sister.  I have been doubting lately as although I was at Disney World last week with my family, the crowds, the heat, lack of sleep and healthy foods, and being around people 24/7 stressed me out.  It reminded me of my thorn in my side, my mental illnesses.  I am in "remission" most of the time, but when I am not able to stick to my routines, I get stressed out. 


In the last 10 years I have not held a job.  I tried a couple but they didn't last due to my stressing out.  I felt like a miserable failure.  A big, fat, loser.  I expect myself to be like everyone else and do the same things like everyone else, but sometimes that is not possible.  For physical reasons that is fine, I can legitimize them.  But for mental reasons, I feel like my mental illnesses are a moral failure. 


This is especially pressing on me at this time when I am also taking a class about writing my memoir.  My instructor kept telling me I need an antagonist.  I couldn't find one, at least a mortal one!  But then it dawned in me, I am my antagonist.  I am my own worst enemy. 


But then God revealed something to me today.  The last 10 years my cat Chocolate has had health problem after health problem.  I was reminded of what great needs he has when I was gone last week.  I had a vet tech come twice a day to feed him and clean his boxes.  Normally I feed him four times a day, a small amount.  Otherwise he eats it all, pukes, and eats it again, making a mess and generally making him miserable.  I realized that with a job I couldn't do this.  I would be coming home each day facing a big mess to clean up, and a cat in miserable pain.


When I realized this I smiled, tears in my eyes, as I gazed lovingly upon my baby.  He was curled up in a bed in the sun, his fur glistening.  I smiled knowing that God loves him even more than I do, and He loves that I take care of Him.  He has provided for me the time to do so. 


I remember again that God is good.