Bella

On Veteran's Day, I adopted Bella from PetSmart/Angel of Hope.  She is 7 years old, and a sweetheart.  All she seems to want is attention, and to be scratched and petted.  She doesn't bother me in my sleep, when I eat, or when I am busy.  She loves the couch and the rug in the living room, where she likes to roll and around on her back.  She doesn't play with the few toys I got her, but, I just got the minimal what I needed until I could figure out what else she wanted.  She sleeps a lot, but she just came here from Georgia, and has a wound on her right ear, so who knows what she has been through.  I guess when I first saw her and her wound, I thought, she needs me.  Then I thought, I need her.  She has been a great comfort for me.  It's like I ordered the best cat ever.  

I am truly thankful to God for Bella.  It was three years ago when I tried to adopt, too soon, I guess, after Chocolate.  Now I have a job, which I thought I'd never have again, and a cat, of which I feared I would never have again.  I am thankful to God for both.  Maybe I just needed time re: the loss of Chocolate.  And maybe I just needed to find something that I liked and was good at, re: the job.  I still worry about the job, for worry that I won't do a good job or that people will not like me.  But I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, get help for myself, of which I am, and just be thankful.  

I'm Not Normal

I have been struggling with my new job. I started it last month, working 10 hours a week, with about 3 extra hours of planning time.  Now with my co-worker having her baby, I am filling in her 10 hours, no planning time, her and my  boss decided she could plan and send to me.  I am also having to do a training starting in a few weeks that will last to the summer.  I also feel like I am disappointing the lead teacher I am working with.  I think she hoped I could help her, but I feel like I can only do my job and nothing else.  I have had bouts of insomnia and IBS.  At least the sleeping pills I got from my psychiatrist are helping.  I don't know if I am going through perimenopause or what.  I also wonder sometimes if I have Asperger syndrome or ADD, as I can't multitask, remember things, or manage my  time well. I usually don't like to talk about this as people usually just try to give me more work to do to "solve" my problems.  I have been able to manage my IBS, but it is worse lately, I suppose due to stress.  I have always struggled with insomnia, the pills help, but I don't want to be dependent on them.  I have figured out what I can eat and cannot eat to lesson the IBS, I am on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety for my anxiety and depression, which usually helps.  And I am on birth control pills to lesson and regulate my periods, as they were so heavy I was so dizzy and weak, and had terrible cramps.  I have tried homeopathic remedies, but they have  not helped.  I get tired of having to defend myself, my diet, my lifestyle, etc.  Yes, I get up late and go to bed late.  I am not a morning person.  And yes, 10 hours doesn't seem like much, and it isn't, but add 10 more and all the other stuff that goes with it, and I get pooped, physically, and emotionally.  So I am very thankful that the teacher who had her baby was willing to help me out.  I hope she can continue to do so.  I get so sweaty at work. I do know I can't do high impact exercise as it makes my heart rate too fast. I learned this in college.  I assume it is because I have a heart murmur.  Also, since I can't breathe through my nose, and one of my lungs has less capacity due to scoliosis, I can't breathe as deeply either. 

I sometimes forget I am not normal, and I want to be normal.  I don't want to be a burden on my parents.  They have been through so much already.  I don't know if what I am feeling is PMS or what.  I just know I want to be happy and at peace again.  I am sorry for such a depressing post, but I needed to vent.  Thank you.